This up-coming October 29th I turn 30. I've decided to celebrate it by going to a 10 day Vipassana Meditation retreat and volunteering there ("dhamma service" they call it). I've also decided to take two more vows, to add to my six other ones.
7) No eating meat
8) Meditate for one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening daily
These two vows I will experiment with for a full year - until I am 31.
I suppose that these two vows both fall into the "cleanse yourself of unnecessary toxic crap and have more awareness & focus instead" category. All of this I am doing out of a desire to improve myself, to change myself more into the kind of person that I want to be.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Taking Vows
In a sense I feel as if my life fell apart recently on Vashon Island. Alone, lonely, hungry, broke, cold, wet, and without any plans for the future, I had the opportunity determinedly stare me in the face asking me - "What the fuck are you doing?"
Since then, I have been looking at everything, how this happened, and what is going on.
From this, I have determined that I am wanting to move into more of a disciplined way of life. I would like to on more of a regular basis identify my needs and take responsibility for these needs being met or not met through my choices & actions. Part of this, I see, involves foresight into the future, anticipating my needs for the future, and planning and preparation for taking actions to get those needs met.
One of the things that I see as supporting me with that is having more structure that I am a part of. That is: agreements, expectations and standards which I and others around me hold around the choices that I make. This all presupposes me being really clear on what works and what doesn't work for me in terms of effectively meeting my needs. The structure would be applied & implemented around this understanding.
I have been able to identify some of my actions which have consistently distracted my focus from that which I want to focus on or have lead to my energy going into areas which I don't see as effectively meeting the needs that I want to prioritize meeting. I have written some about this here.
From that line of thinking, and also inspired by the vows taken and applied in the life of Gandhi, I have decided to come up with and apply some vows to myself. I am viewing these as being experimental religious vows.
They are experimental in that I am doing them for an initial six-month period. After that time-period is up, I will re-evaluate how it all went for me, and determine then if I want to keep those vows, add to them, drop a few, or alter them.
They are religious in the sense as defined in this Youtube video Freedom Requires Religion (beginning on minute 1:25):
"When we say 'religion', what we are actually talking about, is something like ‘a series of values and guiding principles along with standards and specific behaviors that are designed to keep me in harmony with those values and principles.'"
The word "vow" also is particularly important to me, in that it is stronger, more binding, and cherished more personally than a "promise", "agreement", or "commitment" is. A "vow" is all of that, but done before God. It is a promise that you make with God, about your relationship with each-other. This chart here helps explain what I mean when I say "God".
Here are my vows:
1) No marijuana or other intoxicants (eaten, smoked or second-hand)
2) No coffee or other caffeinated beverages
3) No sugary foods or beverages
4) No alcohol or tobacco consumption
5) Celibacy – no romantic or sexual relationships, or masturbation
6) Daily prayer & meditation upon waking and before going to sleep
I am really seriously wanting to make some substantial changes to my life right now. I have seen myself play out the same self-defeating patterns in my life for years, if not decades. I have much understanding and desire towards certain things that I want in my life, but have not had the kind of movement and effectiveness that I'd like. I find myself perpetually craving direction, focus and meaning, and am repeatedly left feeling depleted, lost and anguished without it.
In the past I have gotten tattoos with spiritual significance and have even shaven my head a couple of times. I have read, written and talked spiritual/religious matters for hours on end. None of this has gotten me to the place that I want to be. I am wanting to take some new, clear, concrete steps towards the direction I want to go.
With all my thinking, and all my talk, when it comes down to it I do not trust myself on my own to know what it is that I should do with my life. I trust others' advice even less. I want to establish a stronger relationship with God. All other options seem empty, while those brief fleeting moments that I have felt close with God have meant everything to me.
With these vows, the sixth one is really what holds it all together, while the other five all support the clarity of focus in the sixth one.
I will take these vows tomorrow, September 11th, and will re-evaluate them on March 11th. These dates in themselves are significant, in that they are both days in recent history that have contributed much to the mass hysteria, fear and reactivity in our society. I really want more balance, peace and understanding all around.
With that, I imagine that I can do some more interesting shit.
Since then, I have been looking at everything, how this happened, and what is going on.
From this, I have determined that I am wanting to move into more of a disciplined way of life. I would like to on more of a regular basis identify my needs and take responsibility for these needs being met or not met through my choices & actions. Part of this, I see, involves foresight into the future, anticipating my needs for the future, and planning and preparation for taking actions to get those needs met.
One of the things that I see as supporting me with that is having more structure that I am a part of. That is: agreements, expectations and standards which I and others around me hold around the choices that I make. This all presupposes me being really clear on what works and what doesn't work for me in terms of effectively meeting my needs. The structure would be applied & implemented around this understanding.
I have been able to identify some of my actions which have consistently distracted my focus from that which I want to focus on or have lead to my energy going into areas which I don't see as effectively meeting the needs that I want to prioritize meeting. I have written some about this here.
From that line of thinking, and also inspired by the vows taken and applied in the life of Gandhi, I have decided to come up with and apply some vows to myself. I am viewing these as being experimental religious vows.
They are experimental in that I am doing them for an initial six-month period. After that time-period is up, I will re-evaluate how it all went for me, and determine then if I want to keep those vows, add to them, drop a few, or alter them.
They are religious in the sense as defined in this Youtube video Freedom Requires Religion (beginning on minute 1:25):
"When we say 'religion', what we are actually talking about, is something like ‘a series of values and guiding principles along with standards and specific behaviors that are designed to keep me in harmony with those values and principles.'"
The word "vow" also is particularly important to me, in that it is stronger, more binding, and cherished more personally than a "promise", "agreement", or "commitment" is. A "vow" is all of that, but done before God. It is a promise that you make with God, about your relationship with each-other. This chart here helps explain what I mean when I say "God".
Here are my vows:
1) No marijuana or other intoxicants (eaten, smoked or second-hand)
2) No coffee or other caffeinated beverages
3) No sugary foods or beverages
4) No alcohol or tobacco consumption
5) Celibacy – no romantic or sexual relationships, or masturbation
6) Daily prayer & meditation upon waking and before going to sleep
I am really seriously wanting to make some substantial changes to my life right now. I have seen myself play out the same self-defeating patterns in my life for years, if not decades. I have much understanding and desire towards certain things that I want in my life, but have not had the kind of movement and effectiveness that I'd like. I find myself perpetually craving direction, focus and meaning, and am repeatedly left feeling depleted, lost and anguished without it.
In the past I have gotten tattoos with spiritual significance and have even shaven my head a couple of times. I have read, written and talked spiritual/religious matters for hours on end. None of this has gotten me to the place that I want to be. I am wanting to take some new, clear, concrete steps towards the direction I want to go.
With all my thinking, and all my talk, when it comes down to it I do not trust myself on my own to know what it is that I should do with my life. I trust others' advice even less. I want to establish a stronger relationship with God. All other options seem empty, while those brief fleeting moments that I have felt close with God have meant everything to me.
With these vows, the sixth one is really what holds it all together, while the other five all support the clarity of focus in the sixth one.
I will take these vows tomorrow, September 11th, and will re-evaluate them on March 11th. These dates in themselves are significant, in that they are both days in recent history that have contributed much to the mass hysteria, fear and reactivity in our society. I really want more balance, peace and understanding all around.
With that, I imagine that I can do some more interesting shit.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Cycles
Here is an account of my summer from mid-May to early July this year. Much more has happened after that point, so much so that what I outline as my thoughts & feelings in this post seem pretty “old” to me.
And yet, I simply have not felt drawn to write about any of the newer stuff yet. I figured that since this piece was already-written, waiting to be released, I would just go ahead & post it. Those of you who have been out of the loop of my travels (inner & outer) can now get somewhat more of a glimpse into my life.
- (I)
___________________________________________________________________
It’s now after midnight, I’m waiting for the beginning of a massive Greyhound bus ride west. I don’t know if it is late, not going to happen, or if everything is all right. This sums up how I feel about a lot of different things right now.
I last posted on my blog here on May 15th – the beginning of my latest round of cross-country traveling. That post was not that thorough or explanatory, I admit, and I wrote it when I was tired & weird. Now I hope to be thorough & explanatory, while still feeling tired & weird.
Riding Greyhound is like entering into a massive circulatory system. Walking into a station is puncturing the skin – buying the ticket is being injected. From there, you have surrendered yourself to something much larger than you. Starting & stopping can not be foreseen, the omnipresent heartbeat is far beyond your understanding. All you know is that you will go, through whatever route is predetermined before you, when the force moves. Whatever filth or construction clogs the way, protector cells examining your every inch or synapses noisily clattering away, you move along, always, through a wondrous maze that seems endless.
The principles remain the same – you deprive yourself of oxygen, you’re dead. You jump track, you’re lost. Whatever happens happens. You surrender yourself to it – for what else is there to do?
You’re just along for the ride.
On May 15th I left the Acorn commune in central Virginia where I was for about a month, for Washington D.C. There, I stayed at an abandoned old Victorian mansion called “Common Ground D.C.” – the first of a number of interactions there. Based on the model of Common Ground in New Orleans, a group of volunteers had an arrangement with the owner to be able to live there for free and live semi-activist lives, in exchange for fixing up the place. Similar to Common Ground in New Orleans, the confusion, apathy and beaten down spirits lead one to wonder whether that will actually happen.
Then I flew to Jacksonville, Florida again to see my family. My youngest brother was graduating the 8th grade, this was my last opportunity (presumably) to see Jacksonville, and the whole family was there. Like before, I found it hard to avoid sinking into depression while being there. Being around my family’s collective narrative stories I find it difficult to maintain my own sense of direction and feeling within.
I did have an experience at Jacksonville that seemed quite remarkable to me. Using meetup.com I found a group of New Age spiritual-oriented people who were meeting while I was there. I went.
What the group ended up being was four hours of reiki and guided meditation on the beach under the full moon. This was among people whom I did not know and do not ever expect to see again. Yet, the sense of care & support was real, and that is what I find remarkable. Intimacy and mutual aid among strangers.
After that, I flew back to Washington D.C. in time for four days of workshops by the NVC trainer Robert Gonzales.
The first day-long workshop, entitled “The Way of Connection”, stands out to me the most in that the whole experience was on of great harmony, flow and grace. The whole day just seemed miraculous, perfect. I didn’t even stay at the actual workshop the entire time – just being in that space, the vicinity, seemed to have a kind of magical air about it. It was beautiful.
With the workshops ending, some friends & I met to plan out taking a big cross-country trip together. The trip with these people did not actually end up happening. We met and talked at the Common Ground D.C. house, where I later found ut that an assault happened. And then another. And another.
I was out staying at a separate place when the first assault happened. Similarly with the second and third. Apparently the guy who perpetrated the assaults was kicked out of the house and now has a criminal court case pending against him.
I say all this about Common Ground D.C. not to high-light how fucked-up it is, but out of a sense of frustration and yearning. Similar to Common Ground New Orleans, what I want throughout all the violence, drama and dysfunction is a solid base for an alternative volunteer corps to go forth and build something new in the shell of the old (so to speak). I continue to hold much hope with this model, provided that the process is gone through with sufficient attention, intention, thorough commitment and consideration.
Also around this time my relationship with my friend Geri shifted into something else. I never know how to discuss these things, nor do I know what label(s) to put on it – which is an unfortunate position to be in because nonetheless the whole thing is to me a meaningful factor in my life. I would like to have the words to discuss it, for it to e understood accurately, without any sense of expectation, narrowed role, or even guaranteed continuity implied. One way that has helped me to look at it in this was ys, based on the list of fundamental human needs, viewing the relationship as having made a shift towards meeting more of a full spectrum of the needs listed.
I then went to Pennsylvania.
In northern Pennsylvania lives my friend Martha Lasley, an NVC trainer, mediator, and professional coach. She also lives on a piece of land that she and her husband bought 20-something years ago in a house tat they built themselves, from the bottom-up. They used to live in a number of different communal groups in the 60’s & 70’s, and now live as an organizational development consultant and a property rental manager.
The two still hold to their old radical beliefs, of sorts – Martha into a kind of NVC-based social change thing and the philosophy of John Heron, her husband Dave focusing on the imminent collapse of the U.S. economy and the need for a new kind of socialism.
It was here, in Troy, PA, where Martha facilitated a mediation session between me and my father who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years. I wrote a long piece about that mediation in another notebook of mine, and then later lost that notebook in the middle of the night while transferring buses on Greyhound. So, just imagine something intense.
I then continued on north to up-state New York – “North Country”, they call it. It is here, the area around Canton, NY, that my friend Becky lives. She is a part of two separate intentional communities – Ness & Birdsfoot. These communities are both derived from the old “back-to-the-land” movement of the 60’s, and continue to survive with a large degree of self-sufficiency.
Birdsfoot is the oldest of the two, and the most developed in terms of infrastructure. They have a number of buildings built with materials on-site and have a large garden which supports a CSA, local food co-op, and a food bank. They also have a small private school on-site where children from the local area go for a one-room schoolhouse John Holt-inspired experience.
Ness, six miles away, actually has more people and acreage, but less history & momentum. That community is primarily focused around one guy who owns the property, built almost all the buildings, and has been there since the beginning. The people there recognize the power-imbalance in all of that, and slowly seem to be addressing it.
More interesting to me than either of these two groups is the surrounding local community. This is where a lot of the back-to-the-land hippies wound up, settling in the 60’s & 70’s and not moving out. Their lifestyles ranged from having cars to having horse & buggies, having full electrical conveniences to making almost everything themselves. But nevertheless, they have all built their houses themselves, grow a lot of their own food, and most importantly help each-other out. It’s an odd dichotomy of both isolation from the world and immersion in a local area.
To counter-balance it all, I next went to New York City. Emerging from the filthy subway, I had to exit through the emergency exit because my large back-pack wouldn’t fit any other way. Alarm blaring with nobody seeming to care, smog in my face and sweaty, I emerged above-ground to the crowd-filled streets of Manhattan – I felt at home.
I stayed at the home of my friend Sarton, a professional Manhattan psychotherapist whom I’ve known through the Person-Centered Approach scene. Despite the full amenities of modern life, everything all felt so… Short.
Choppy.
One thing that I’ve noticed about my NYC friends is the incredible difficulty of having a spacious conversation. The act of communicating with them often leaves me with the feeling that I am talking with someone who is flipping through the channels with a remote control, and it’s my job to provide interesting programming quickly before the next commercial break.
Whether it is perceived time-scarcity, overwhelm, panic, or the persistent changing of topic, I often leave the interaction with them extremely frustrated and with a desire to wrestle them to the floor and pin them down to a topic of interest for a period of time.
That all being said, NYC is still the age-old lover calling me at 3am inviting me to join the millions of others in their particular brand of insanity. As potentially self-destructive as that is, “moving” to NYC is still an option that I consider frequently.
Thanks to the Craigslist rideshare, I then was able to catch a ride out to Pittsburgh to meet up with Geri. The ride was with two other guys my age, one financial analyst and the other a real-estate broker. Seeing the finely-braded hair of the one guy, and the “Israeli Defense Force” t-shirt of the other, I wondered how I would connect with these two. Hours later, we were all talking about anarchism, alternative lifestyles, and 2012.
Now, as I write this, we are driving through the rolling prairies of Kansas. “Americas heartland”. I wonder where my own heart is now, given that every one of my travel plans has been changed, and I do not know where I will wind up.
I am fasting, now, as I go across the country on this Greyhound bus. We pass fields of cows and windmills, while the people in front of me talk world affairs. As always, I want where I go and what I do to somehow, in some way, be a positive contribution to the world. The fast is to help me to remind myself of my intentions behind this trip.
In Pittsburgh Geri and I stayed for about five days at an intentional community called “the Landslide”. This place consists of twenty-something twenty-somethings, two houses and a big piece of land. The twenty-somethings are anarchist activist squatter types with dreams of inspiring off-the-grid sustainable ways of life in Pittsburgh. The houses are old multi-story buildings, one of which has electricity, running water, and internet – the other with none of these things.
The land which the Landslide owns I find to be absolutely amazing. For one, everything is tilted – sliding off a hill. The property has a stunning view of downtown Pittsburgh and you have to climb up and down the hills in order to go anywhere.
About 40 years ago there was an enormous landslide in the neighborhood there, and that was how the name came about. This has resulted in the acreage that they own being pretty much rural land, with a forest, trees, plants all over it – with torn & cracked-up concrete of roads, sidewalks, and stair-cases interspersed everywhere. Tent and tarp structures are all over this property, forming a kind of squatter shanty-town – except that this property is owned, since property is so cheap in Pittsburgh.
The Landslide has a unique & interesting feel to it. It seems part income-sharing commune, part squat, part community outreach project, part back-to-the-land project, part typical activist house. It is hard for me to put an accurate label on it, and I thought that I would have gotten over that habit by now anyway.
That all being said, coordination & work seems to happen quite fluidly there, and the people seem happy. In the end, that goes a long way.
I realize that with each place I visit on this summer traveling journey, and each place that I consider visiting as well, always on the back of my mind is the question – is this a place that I can live at? This also happened back in 2004 when I traveled cross-county, the big difference now is that this time I have less money and more of a vision that I would like to go towards. This puts a very different lens on things.
The crippled man shuffles towards his seat, positions himself into his chair and moves his cane & legs into his space.
“This is what I call ‘war stories’. I might have a couple for you, my friend.”
And so we’re off, now leaving Boise, Idaho via Greyhound bus. I am now traveling along again, after being from Pittsburgh to Boise with Geri. I feel sad to be leaving her, and have the sense that once again, I am stepping out into the void.
I always return to the void.
After the Landslide, Geri & I got a ride from Pittsburgh to Athens, Ohio in a U-Haul truck with a man and his cat. They were moving. The man was an artist, and one of our first impressions of him was his artwork – a pink skin-colored monitor with a large vagina on the screen.
The deal was that we would help the guy load up his U-Haul in exchange for the ride. One of the most poignant moments is of us carrying and loading onto the truck these enormously large ceramic art pieces of what looked like huge bottles of “Tide” laundry detergent. Instead of saying “Tide”, however, they said “Terror”. Lugging these around, in the rain, across state lines, had an interesting incriminating kind of feel to it.
Then we went to the annual Earth First! Round River Rendezvois in south-eastern Ohio. The event was a week-long, camp-in-the-woods, communal meals, free, volunteer-based kind of thing. It was also anarchist as fuck.
Attending the Earth First! Rendezvous was a fall-back position, a second choice for me. My real heart and passion was in going to the national Rainbow Gathering, taking place in Wyoming. The intention behind that was to organize an “NVC Camp” there, an experimental place to offer Nonviolent Communication to people in public for free. I instead chose to prioritize other things.
I went to the Earth First! Rendezvous because I did not want to be alone. I had for months been anticipating a certain particular summer itinerary with a particular group of people. Faced with the soul-piercing prospect of possible loneliness, I chose the surest travel companionship I could find. It all happened semi-consciously for me, but I think that my other travel companions from Washington D.C. dropping out of the trip, combined with the changing nature of my relationship with Geri, lead to me being reluctant to go out to Wyoming by myself.
My actual experience of the Rendezvous was by no means horrible, nor is it something that I regret. My old friend Marc was there, who I unexpectedly got to spend some time with. I gave an NVC workshop, and I met someone who is working on creating a new federation of anarchist intentional communities, a project that is dear to my heart.
What struck me the most about this gathering was the anarchist ethic of organizing things. The low-budget, pooling resources, chipping in when you can, somehow-make-things-happen attitude – I totally love. This inspired me to thinking – what would an NVC gathering look like organized along these lines? Taking these same values, but applying them to learning & practicing the skills of heart-felt honesty, empathic listening and care for each-other? This challenge is something that really excites me - that I want to pursue.
And yet, I simply have not felt drawn to write about any of the newer stuff yet. I figured that since this piece was already-written, waiting to be released, I would just go ahead & post it. Those of you who have been out of the loop of my travels (inner & outer) can now get somewhat more of a glimpse into my life.
- (I)
___________________________________________________________________
It’s now after midnight, I’m waiting for the beginning of a massive Greyhound bus ride west. I don’t know if it is late, not going to happen, or if everything is all right. This sums up how I feel about a lot of different things right now.
I last posted on my blog here on May 15th – the beginning of my latest round of cross-country traveling. That post was not that thorough or explanatory, I admit, and I wrote it when I was tired & weird. Now I hope to be thorough & explanatory, while still feeling tired & weird.
Riding Greyhound is like entering into a massive circulatory system. Walking into a station is puncturing the skin – buying the ticket is being injected. From there, you have surrendered yourself to something much larger than you. Starting & stopping can not be foreseen, the omnipresent heartbeat is far beyond your understanding. All you know is that you will go, through whatever route is predetermined before you, when the force moves. Whatever filth or construction clogs the way, protector cells examining your every inch or synapses noisily clattering away, you move along, always, through a wondrous maze that seems endless.
The principles remain the same – you deprive yourself of oxygen, you’re dead. You jump track, you’re lost. Whatever happens happens. You surrender yourself to it – for what else is there to do?
You’re just along for the ride.
On May 15th I left the Acorn commune in central Virginia where I was for about a month, for Washington D.C. There, I stayed at an abandoned old Victorian mansion called “Common Ground D.C.” – the first of a number of interactions there. Based on the model of Common Ground in New Orleans, a group of volunteers had an arrangement with the owner to be able to live there for free and live semi-activist lives, in exchange for fixing up the place. Similar to Common Ground in New Orleans, the confusion, apathy and beaten down spirits lead one to wonder whether that will actually happen.
Then I flew to Jacksonville, Florida again to see my family. My youngest brother was graduating the 8th grade, this was my last opportunity (presumably) to see Jacksonville, and the whole family was there. Like before, I found it hard to avoid sinking into depression while being there. Being around my family’s collective narrative stories I find it difficult to maintain my own sense of direction and feeling within.
I did have an experience at Jacksonville that seemed quite remarkable to me. Using meetup.com I found a group of New Age spiritual-oriented people who were meeting while I was there. I went.
What the group ended up being was four hours of reiki and guided meditation on the beach under the full moon. This was among people whom I did not know and do not ever expect to see again. Yet, the sense of care & support was real, and that is what I find remarkable. Intimacy and mutual aid among strangers.
After that, I flew back to Washington D.C. in time for four days of workshops by the NVC trainer Robert Gonzales.
The first day-long workshop, entitled “The Way of Connection”, stands out to me the most in that the whole experience was on of great harmony, flow and grace. The whole day just seemed miraculous, perfect. I didn’t even stay at the actual workshop the entire time – just being in that space, the vicinity, seemed to have a kind of magical air about it. It was beautiful.
With the workshops ending, some friends & I met to plan out taking a big cross-country trip together. The trip with these people did not actually end up happening. We met and talked at the Common Ground D.C. house, where I later found ut that an assault happened. And then another. And another.
I was out staying at a separate place when the first assault happened. Similarly with the second and third. Apparently the guy who perpetrated the assaults was kicked out of the house and now has a criminal court case pending against him.
I say all this about Common Ground D.C. not to high-light how fucked-up it is, but out of a sense of frustration and yearning. Similar to Common Ground New Orleans, what I want throughout all the violence, drama and dysfunction is a solid base for an alternative volunteer corps to go forth and build something new in the shell of the old (so to speak). I continue to hold much hope with this model, provided that the process is gone through with sufficient attention, intention, thorough commitment and consideration.
Also around this time my relationship with my friend Geri shifted into something else. I never know how to discuss these things, nor do I know what label(s) to put on it – which is an unfortunate position to be in because nonetheless the whole thing is to me a meaningful factor in my life. I would like to have the words to discuss it, for it to e understood accurately, without any sense of expectation, narrowed role, or even guaranteed continuity implied. One way that has helped me to look at it in this was ys, based on the list of fundamental human needs, viewing the relationship as having made a shift towards meeting more of a full spectrum of the needs listed.
I then went to Pennsylvania.
In northern Pennsylvania lives my friend Martha Lasley, an NVC trainer, mediator, and professional coach. She also lives on a piece of land that she and her husband bought 20-something years ago in a house tat they built themselves, from the bottom-up. They used to live in a number of different communal groups in the 60’s & 70’s, and now live as an organizational development consultant and a property rental manager.
The two still hold to their old radical beliefs, of sorts – Martha into a kind of NVC-based social change thing and the philosophy of John Heron, her husband Dave focusing on the imminent collapse of the U.S. economy and the need for a new kind of socialism.
It was here, in Troy, PA, where Martha facilitated a mediation session between me and my father who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years. I wrote a long piece about that mediation in another notebook of mine, and then later lost that notebook in the middle of the night while transferring buses on Greyhound. So, just imagine something intense.
I then continued on north to up-state New York – “North Country”, they call it. It is here, the area around Canton, NY, that my friend Becky lives. She is a part of two separate intentional communities – Ness & Birdsfoot. These communities are both derived from the old “back-to-the-land” movement of the 60’s, and continue to survive with a large degree of self-sufficiency.
Birdsfoot is the oldest of the two, and the most developed in terms of infrastructure. They have a number of buildings built with materials on-site and have a large garden which supports a CSA, local food co-op, and a food bank. They also have a small private school on-site where children from the local area go for a one-room schoolhouse John Holt-inspired experience.
Ness, six miles away, actually has more people and acreage, but less history & momentum. That community is primarily focused around one guy who owns the property, built almost all the buildings, and has been there since the beginning. The people there recognize the power-imbalance in all of that, and slowly seem to be addressing it.
More interesting to me than either of these two groups is the surrounding local community. This is where a lot of the back-to-the-land hippies wound up, settling in the 60’s & 70’s and not moving out. Their lifestyles ranged from having cars to having horse & buggies, having full electrical conveniences to making almost everything themselves. But nevertheless, they have all built their houses themselves, grow a lot of their own food, and most importantly help each-other out. It’s an odd dichotomy of both isolation from the world and immersion in a local area.
To counter-balance it all, I next went to New York City. Emerging from the filthy subway, I had to exit through the emergency exit because my large back-pack wouldn’t fit any other way. Alarm blaring with nobody seeming to care, smog in my face and sweaty, I emerged above-ground to the crowd-filled streets of Manhattan – I felt at home.
I stayed at the home of my friend Sarton, a professional Manhattan psychotherapist whom I’ve known through the Person-Centered Approach scene. Despite the full amenities of modern life, everything all felt so… Short.
Choppy.
One thing that I’ve noticed about my NYC friends is the incredible difficulty of having a spacious conversation. The act of communicating with them often leaves me with the feeling that I am talking with someone who is flipping through the channels with a remote control, and it’s my job to provide interesting programming quickly before the next commercial break.
Whether it is perceived time-scarcity, overwhelm, panic, or the persistent changing of topic, I often leave the interaction with them extremely frustrated and with a desire to wrestle them to the floor and pin them down to a topic of interest for a period of time.
That all being said, NYC is still the age-old lover calling me at 3am inviting me to join the millions of others in their particular brand of insanity. As potentially self-destructive as that is, “moving” to NYC is still an option that I consider frequently.
Thanks to the Craigslist rideshare, I then was able to catch a ride out to Pittsburgh to meet up with Geri. The ride was with two other guys my age, one financial analyst and the other a real-estate broker. Seeing the finely-braded hair of the one guy, and the “Israeli Defense Force” t-shirt of the other, I wondered how I would connect with these two. Hours later, we were all talking about anarchism, alternative lifestyles, and 2012.
Now, as I write this, we are driving through the rolling prairies of Kansas. “Americas heartland”. I wonder where my own heart is now, given that every one of my travel plans has been changed, and I do not know where I will wind up.
I am fasting, now, as I go across the country on this Greyhound bus. We pass fields of cows and windmills, while the people in front of me talk world affairs. As always, I want where I go and what I do to somehow, in some way, be a positive contribution to the world. The fast is to help me to remind myself of my intentions behind this trip.
In Pittsburgh Geri and I stayed for about five days at an intentional community called “the Landslide”. This place consists of twenty-something twenty-somethings, two houses and a big piece of land. The twenty-somethings are anarchist activist squatter types with dreams of inspiring off-the-grid sustainable ways of life in Pittsburgh. The houses are old multi-story buildings, one of which has electricity, running water, and internet – the other with none of these things.
The land which the Landslide owns I find to be absolutely amazing. For one, everything is tilted – sliding off a hill. The property has a stunning view of downtown Pittsburgh and you have to climb up and down the hills in order to go anywhere.
About 40 years ago there was an enormous landslide in the neighborhood there, and that was how the name came about. This has resulted in the acreage that they own being pretty much rural land, with a forest, trees, plants all over it – with torn & cracked-up concrete of roads, sidewalks, and stair-cases interspersed everywhere. Tent and tarp structures are all over this property, forming a kind of squatter shanty-town – except that this property is owned, since property is so cheap in Pittsburgh.
The Landslide has a unique & interesting feel to it. It seems part income-sharing commune, part squat, part community outreach project, part back-to-the-land project, part typical activist house. It is hard for me to put an accurate label on it, and I thought that I would have gotten over that habit by now anyway.
That all being said, coordination & work seems to happen quite fluidly there, and the people seem happy. In the end, that goes a long way.
I realize that with each place I visit on this summer traveling journey, and each place that I consider visiting as well, always on the back of my mind is the question – is this a place that I can live at? This also happened back in 2004 when I traveled cross-county, the big difference now is that this time I have less money and more of a vision that I would like to go towards. This puts a very different lens on things.
The crippled man shuffles towards his seat, positions himself into his chair and moves his cane & legs into his space.
“This is what I call ‘war stories’. I might have a couple for you, my friend.”
And so we’re off, now leaving Boise, Idaho via Greyhound bus. I am now traveling along again, after being from Pittsburgh to Boise with Geri. I feel sad to be leaving her, and have the sense that once again, I am stepping out into the void.
I always return to the void.
After the Landslide, Geri & I got a ride from Pittsburgh to Athens, Ohio in a U-Haul truck with a man and his cat. They were moving. The man was an artist, and one of our first impressions of him was his artwork – a pink skin-colored monitor with a large vagina on the screen.
The deal was that we would help the guy load up his U-Haul in exchange for the ride. One of the most poignant moments is of us carrying and loading onto the truck these enormously large ceramic art pieces of what looked like huge bottles of “Tide” laundry detergent. Instead of saying “Tide”, however, they said “Terror”. Lugging these around, in the rain, across state lines, had an interesting incriminating kind of feel to it.
Then we went to the annual Earth First! Round River Rendezvois in south-eastern Ohio. The event was a week-long, camp-in-the-woods, communal meals, free, volunteer-based kind of thing. It was also anarchist as fuck.
Attending the Earth First! Rendezvous was a fall-back position, a second choice for me. My real heart and passion was in going to the national Rainbow Gathering, taking place in Wyoming. The intention behind that was to organize an “NVC Camp” there, an experimental place to offer Nonviolent Communication to people in public for free. I instead chose to prioritize other things.
I went to the Earth First! Rendezvous because I did not want to be alone. I had for months been anticipating a certain particular summer itinerary with a particular group of people. Faced with the soul-piercing prospect of possible loneliness, I chose the surest travel companionship I could find. It all happened semi-consciously for me, but I think that my other travel companions from Washington D.C. dropping out of the trip, combined with the changing nature of my relationship with Geri, lead to me being reluctant to go out to Wyoming by myself.
My actual experience of the Rendezvous was by no means horrible, nor is it something that I regret. My old friend Marc was there, who I unexpectedly got to spend some time with. I gave an NVC workshop, and I met someone who is working on creating a new federation of anarchist intentional communities, a project that is dear to my heart.
What struck me the most about this gathering was the anarchist ethic of organizing things. The low-budget, pooling resources, chipping in when you can, somehow-make-things-happen attitude – I totally love. This inspired me to thinking – what would an NVC gathering look like organized along these lines? Taking these same values, but applying them to learning & practicing the skills of heart-felt honesty, empathic listening and care for each-other? This challenge is something that really excites me - that I want to pursue.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Walking the Straight Edge
Somehow I found myself thinking about Ian MacKaye. Besides "Minor Threat", one of the things that he is well-known for is popularizing the whole Straight Edge thing. So I started thinking about that. And I started thinking about how all of that relates to my life, values, and the choices that I make.
I notice that so very often I fall into the habit of thinking about something, rather than from it. That's how this all got started. I want to instead "feel into" something, and then open my mouth. This is a Focusing thing - but we don't need to stop because of that.
My mind is often like an ice-skater, constantly moving, doing tricks, perhaps even quite majestic – but not even acknowledging the treasures of the depth below. There is much to be found in there, and you can move up & down as well as side-to-side. So many possibilities. I forget so much of what is possible by entrancing myself with old patterns.
I notice different habits of mine which support the same-old continuing on as it has. Some of this has to do with drugs and physical shit, and related life-style choices.
Take marijuana. With it, my mind goes all over the place – wild, crazy, fantastic ideas. Big Thinking and paranoia. It has given me many wonderful experiences, as well as ruined me. It can help me with relaxation and creativity, but at what cost?
With caffeine, my body tenses up. I feel "on the go" with my mind racing. I can't feel the inside of my body though. It gives me energy, and I am addicted. Do I really want that? In that way?
I hate alcohol and cigarettes, we can just skip those.
As far as sexual / romantic relationships goes, I've considered celibacy, monogamy, polyamory - all the different "policies" that one can apply to these things. None of them really fits me thought, not really. I like the Straight Edge stance against "casual sex". I also like Gandhi's "subordination of sensual desires to the primary devotion to truth", the basis behind his vow of chastity. And if there is a strong drive to enter into a romantic relationship, well, I ask – Why? That prompts an inquiry into meaning.
A lot of Straight Edge people are vegetarian or vegan and I definitely see their reasons why. There is a very strong basis for this. For me, with my life of chosen poverty and unpredictability, relying on non-animal products alone doesn't seem really reliable. In other words, countless times I have found myself in situations where I have no money and a meal is offered to me – a meal of packaged toxic factory-torture crap, but a means to survive another day nonetheless. I have yet to find the faith to survive other ways.
What appeals to me the most diet-wise is Freeganism. - you eat that which is free. This has a direct "you work with what is there in the present moment" foundation, as well as no money going towards the meat industry. This to me seems the most in integrity with where I am at.
From all of that together, I would say that I want to pursue meaning, depth, connection – and all of which follows from that is secondary, incidental.
With all of these reflections & attitudes of Straight Edge is a shared value with Gandhi of living a life of Truth. For him, "Truth is God." He wanted "to see God face-to-face", or, as the Baha'is would put it, to "be close to God."
I prefer slightly different words. The words which most resonate for me are "Meaning" and "Clarity".
I crave meaning. I need meaning in my interactions with others, meaning in the work that I do, meaning in how I spend my time each moment of each day. I need meaning in who I am just with myself. Without it I feel shallow, empty, with a background soundscape rubbing up against my soul like an itch that you can't scratch. I just go nuts. Meaning drives everything that I do.
Meaning is a felt-thing, inside my body. My body, my whole being, tells me when I have it or when I don’t. It seems Big. Meaning, to me, is God.
And I crave clarity too. Clarity in what I want, in what I am doing, where I am going, why I am here. Much of my life feels as if it has been a perpetual quest for clarity, hanging just over me. Just within reach - with proper effort.
I want clarity in meaning. That is, "to see God face-to-face."
And how does this relate to Straight Edge? Well, with pot and drugs, my mind goes for the fantastic and amazing, not clarity. With caffeine my body just closes up and I can't feel meaning inside of me. With a focus on sex, meaning goes out the window and it just becomes a body-thing, reaction-based.
Aside from renunciation, there are things I can do to get that which I am wanting here. I can set aside specific times and places to put specific effort towards searching for the meaning behind things, within myself. A kind of inner-pilgrimage to a deeper place for communion with what's there.
And with others, I can search for the meaning that exists between us. I can turn down the noise and direct attention to what's there. Whether it is shared or not is not totally important, but the more we are walking astride the same path the more likely we can see where we are going together. If all else fails I can interrupt and ask about that.
I often despair over not finding the meaning I need or not having the clarity I want. But what I am despairing over exactly? Why? What's really important to me there? That's the way out right there.
The door is open.
I notice that so very often I fall into the habit of thinking about something, rather than from it. That's how this all got started. I want to instead "feel into" something, and then open my mouth. This is a Focusing thing - but we don't need to stop because of that.
My mind is often like an ice-skater, constantly moving, doing tricks, perhaps even quite majestic – but not even acknowledging the treasures of the depth below. There is much to be found in there, and you can move up & down as well as side-to-side. So many possibilities. I forget so much of what is possible by entrancing myself with old patterns.
I notice different habits of mine which support the same-old continuing on as it has. Some of this has to do with drugs and physical shit, and related life-style choices.
Take marijuana. With it, my mind goes all over the place – wild, crazy, fantastic ideas. Big Thinking and paranoia. It has given me many wonderful experiences, as well as ruined me. It can help me with relaxation and creativity, but at what cost?
With caffeine, my body tenses up. I feel "on the go" with my mind racing. I can't feel the inside of my body though. It gives me energy, and I am addicted. Do I really want that? In that way?
I hate alcohol and cigarettes, we can just skip those.
As far as sexual / romantic relationships goes, I've considered celibacy, monogamy, polyamory - all the different "policies" that one can apply to these things. None of them really fits me thought, not really. I like the Straight Edge stance against "casual sex". I also like Gandhi's "subordination of sensual desires to the primary devotion to truth", the basis behind his vow of chastity. And if there is a strong drive to enter into a romantic relationship, well, I ask – Why? That prompts an inquiry into meaning.
A lot of Straight Edge people are vegetarian or vegan and I definitely see their reasons why. There is a very strong basis for this. For me, with my life of chosen poverty and unpredictability, relying on non-animal products alone doesn't seem really reliable. In other words, countless times I have found myself in situations where I have no money and a meal is offered to me – a meal of packaged toxic factory-torture crap, but a means to survive another day nonetheless. I have yet to find the faith to survive other ways.
What appeals to me the most diet-wise is Freeganism. - you eat that which is free. This has a direct "you work with what is there in the present moment" foundation, as well as no money going towards the meat industry. This to me seems the most in integrity with where I am at.
From all of that together, I would say that I want to pursue meaning, depth, connection – and all of which follows from that is secondary, incidental.
With all of these reflections & attitudes of Straight Edge is a shared value with Gandhi of living a life of Truth. For him, "Truth is God." He wanted "to see God face-to-face", or, as the Baha'is would put it, to "be close to God."
I prefer slightly different words. The words which most resonate for me are "Meaning" and "Clarity".
I crave meaning. I need meaning in my interactions with others, meaning in the work that I do, meaning in how I spend my time each moment of each day. I need meaning in who I am just with myself. Without it I feel shallow, empty, with a background soundscape rubbing up against my soul like an itch that you can't scratch. I just go nuts. Meaning drives everything that I do.
Meaning is a felt-thing, inside my body. My body, my whole being, tells me when I have it or when I don’t. It seems Big. Meaning, to me, is God.
And I crave clarity too. Clarity in what I want, in what I am doing, where I am going, why I am here. Much of my life feels as if it has been a perpetual quest for clarity, hanging just over me. Just within reach - with proper effort.
I want clarity in meaning. That is, "to see God face-to-face."
And how does this relate to Straight Edge? Well, with pot and drugs, my mind goes for the fantastic and amazing, not clarity. With caffeine my body just closes up and I can't feel meaning inside of me. With a focus on sex, meaning goes out the window and it just becomes a body-thing, reaction-based.
Aside from renunciation, there are things I can do to get that which I am wanting here. I can set aside specific times and places to put specific effort towards searching for the meaning behind things, within myself. A kind of inner-pilgrimage to a deeper place for communion with what's there.
And with others, I can search for the meaning that exists between us. I can turn down the noise and direct attention to what's there. Whether it is shared or not is not totally important, but the more we are walking astride the same path the more likely we can see where we are going together. If all else fails I can interrupt and ask about that.
I often despair over not finding the meaning I need or not having the clarity I want. But what I am despairing over exactly? Why? What's really important to me there? That's the way out right there.
The door is open.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Shaved, tired, wondering
Last night, I shaved off all my hair. Later I walked out of that room, now filled with friends yelling in anger, to join other friends now fleeing in disgust. We stayed up late talking about our different frustrations and desires. I slept in a decrepit empty house woken a couple hours later by the sound of homeless men I've never met sharing condolences about how fucked-up the world is. I left, walking in the rain past trash in the streets and liquor stores to gather together my thoughts.
Tonight I might facilitate a meeting between people who may or may not show up, to help sad lonely people wanting meaning, support & community to maybe... Listen to each-other.
I want hope, and ironically enough, the woman who has made this entire situation all possible has that name. What are we doing here? My thoughts despair, but my spirit says that we all already know.
Tonight I might facilitate a meeting between people who may or may not show up, to help sad lonely people wanting meaning, support & community to maybe... Listen to each-other.
I want hope, and ironically enough, the woman who has made this entire situation all possible has that name. What are we doing here? My thoughts despair, but my spirit says that we all already know.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Jax Learnings
I arrived in Jacksonville, Florida early last December heart-broken, beaten-down and confused. I then proceeded to spend the next 3 & ½ months there, in some of the most lonely, depressed, desperate and intensely self-hating mind-storms of my life. But, I think that I needed that.
The other perspective is – I went to Jacksonville from New Orleans with the explicit clear understanding & intention that I needed to take some serious time for self-reflection, integration, and personal clarity for my future. And as painfully agonizing as the process was for me at times, that was what I got.
Some of the products of this process, you have already seen here in this blog – my rantings & ravings about last year, as well as my dreams & ambitions for a new kind of group. Other things came to me as particular phrases.
There’s this quote that I found by Carl Rogers, “Learning goes on best, lasts bests, and tends to lead itself on more, when it grows from a real focus of interest in the learner.” That really hit me. This explains every boring fucked-up robot, as well as every amazing lively genius. What it means, for me, is – at any given moment, each person has a focus and an interest. They may not be aware of what they are focusing on, nor may their interest be a conscious one at the moment. But these all can be found. The very notion of finding this excites me, and captivates me with the potential.
Then there’s the phrase & understanding that I call “concision and the consolidation of meaning”. That is, taking all the wordy, obtuse, heady shit, all the running-off-at-the-mouth, and consolidating it, making it compact & concise. This may result in far less talking - but the talking that *does* happen is far more potent & meaningful. I notice that I tend to talk a bunch when I am nervous, or when I am not that clear on what I want. Keeping this principle in mind could perhaps counter-act that. I also notice that there is a discernable felt-difference between not speaking out of shyness vs. not speaking out of wanting to consolidate attention & meaning.
Which brings up another point – the “felt-difference” thing. That’s important. I know that I’ve been ranting about this shit for years now, preaching the wonders of “Focusing” and what-not, but I really get it now! In other words, I see how whenever I go towards things “looking” a certain way, I get lost, hurt, and confused. But when I go towards things “feeling a certain way”, that that is a reliable guide, that things usually work out for the best then. If things feel freeing, connecting, true to me, then that feels good and it tends to work out well also. If I go into anything feeling apprehensive, shitty, uncertain, sad, scared or self-hating – then it won’t work out. I’ve seen this all happen over and over a million times now. I need to talk more with my own inner guide.
Dove-tailing into another point here – when I am wanting to know exactly what to do next, where to go, how, who, when, etc!! “I already know what I want, I’m just not in touch with it at the moment.” This phrase I find to be a real blow to my ego, in an odd kind of way. As well as stimuli for pausing & shutting up. My mind goes around & around & around, and through telling myself this phrase, things get quiet. Oh.
The other perspective is – I went to Jacksonville from New Orleans with the explicit clear understanding & intention that I needed to take some serious time for self-reflection, integration, and personal clarity for my future. And as painfully agonizing as the process was for me at times, that was what I got.
Some of the products of this process, you have already seen here in this blog – my rantings & ravings about last year, as well as my dreams & ambitions for a new kind of group. Other things came to me as particular phrases.
There’s this quote that I found by Carl Rogers, “Learning goes on best, lasts bests, and tends to lead itself on more, when it grows from a real focus of interest in the learner.” That really hit me. This explains every boring fucked-up robot, as well as every amazing lively genius. What it means, for me, is – at any given moment, each person has a focus and an interest. They may not be aware of what they are focusing on, nor may their interest be a conscious one at the moment. But these all can be found. The very notion of finding this excites me, and captivates me with the potential.
Then there’s the phrase & understanding that I call “concision and the consolidation of meaning”. That is, taking all the wordy, obtuse, heady shit, all the running-off-at-the-mouth, and consolidating it, making it compact & concise. This may result in far less talking - but the talking that *does* happen is far more potent & meaningful. I notice that I tend to talk a bunch when I am nervous, or when I am not that clear on what I want. Keeping this principle in mind could perhaps counter-act that. I also notice that there is a discernable felt-difference between not speaking out of shyness vs. not speaking out of wanting to consolidate attention & meaning.
Which brings up another point – the “felt-difference” thing. That’s important. I know that I’ve been ranting about this shit for years now, preaching the wonders of “Focusing” and what-not, but I really get it now! In other words, I see how whenever I go towards things “looking” a certain way, I get lost, hurt, and confused. But when I go towards things “feeling a certain way”, that that is a reliable guide, that things usually work out for the best then. If things feel freeing, connecting, true to me, then that feels good and it tends to work out well also. If I go into anything feeling apprehensive, shitty, uncertain, sad, scared or self-hating – then it won’t work out. I’ve seen this all happen over and over a million times now. I need to talk more with my own inner guide.
Dove-tailing into another point here – when I am wanting to know exactly what to do next, where to go, how, who, when, etc!! “I already know what I want, I’m just not in touch with it at the moment.” This phrase I find to be a real blow to my ego, in an odd kind of way. As well as stimuli for pausing & shutting up. My mind goes around & around & around, and through telling myself this phrase, things get quiet. Oh.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Intermediary Steps
I have had quite a number of different thoughts, feelings, and needs in relation to that document that I posted here on January 20th. One of the big ones for me has been a kind of discouragement, wanting to receive more feed-back, acknowledgement and active interest than I have been. But then I realize - I primarily wrote & worked-through that material for myself and my own clarity & understanding of what I am/have been wanting. Partnership is better acheived through other means than text.
One problem here is that I think that generally-speaking, people's attention gets lost in too many words. After a certain number of words, people's minds begin to wander, and they lose interest in the text at hand. I think that one of the big problems facing society today is people's lack of control over their own attention & ability to concentrate. One of the ways in which this is expressed is through the decline in reading, in general.
So if I express myself in writing here, in too many words, people will get lost and I will never hear from them again. If I express myself in person with too many words, people will tune out then as well, but I can notice that and then try to find their attention again. That is one advantage to face-to-face contact.
To be effective in conveying concepts to others, writing needs to be concise & consolidated in meaning. What is truly important & relevant to the situation at hand can be found and expressed succinctly. Approaching it in any other way is to do so primarily for my own benefit, or for the entertainment of the select few who possess the extraordinary stamina required to keep on reading.
I still feel as strong a desire as ever to create a new kind of group. This desire comes from my wanting to help in improving myself, others, and the world in multiple ways simultaneously. I do think that it can be done, and I want to do it.
One of the areas of improvement that I did not directly talk about in my last text and which I since have seen as being increasingly important to include is that which we can call "spiritual".
When I say "spiritual", I am referring to a kind of quality of experience, that we all have had at different times, in which we feel a connection & appreciation to something bigger & beyond ourselves that runs throughout all of life. The feelings associated with this kind of experience ranges anywhere from humble content-ness to ecstasy, from "subtle" to fully-immersive. The very nature of this experience is such that when words are used to describe it, they come out either sounding like poetic metaphor or jibberish.
The best means for understanding the "spiritual" are your own personal experiences with it. I am talking experiences here, not beliefs. Beliefs (religious or otherwise) at best can point to or guide one's spiritual experiences. At worst they get in the way of having them.
So why do I say that spirituality is so important? Well, consider these recent news stories.
Why would people do these kinds of things to other people?
I see this all being the result of people losing touch with that which is authentically spiritual in us.
I see things this way... People generally refrain from killing or abusing one-another out of a fundamental respect for people. We have this respect because we see people as being a special kind of life. This has meaning to us because we have at different points felt that particular kind of connection to "something greater" that flows throughout all of life - and that leaves an impact on us. This gives us a deep, perhaps even non-verbal, understanding that these people too are connected with that. Hurting others then doesn't make any sense, because it is akin to hurting yourself & more, and it feels wrong in a very profound way. Having spiritual experiences tends to predispose one to do the opposite of that.
I think the more that people have a "spiritual poverty" in their lives, ie, less & less contact with authentic spiritual experiences, the easier it then becomes to see other people, yourself, life itself even as being utterly meaningless & devoid of value. I say "authentic" spiritual experiences to make a distinction from moments of being carried away by emotions or imagination which can lead to fanaticism or psychosis. I see authentic spiritual experience leading inevitably to a pure compassionate desire to serve life.
One thing that stands out to me during my times in New Orleans is the difference in character and energy-levels between those who were volunteering there for spiritual or religious reasons, and those there for other reasons (including myself). The spiritual-oriented folks seemed to have more of an optimism & vibrancy about them, and this seemed to be the case regardless of any particular religion or spiritual path.
This all leads me to see spiritual experience, of any form, as a source of a kind of "life-energy" needed to keep going - especially in tough times or situations. I had a few spiritual experiences in New Orleans, some of which were written about here. These were scattered & irregular, and I would like to find ways to consciously induce them. To have a sort of steady reliable fuel source, so to speak.
So I would like to be a part of a volunteer group that has meditation and spiritual exercise as a part of it's daily routine. I think that daily routine as a group supports greater discipline and likelihood of actually carrying it out, as well as lending more of a context for meaning to the activity. A practice of regular meditation I believe can strengthen the abilities of concentration & control over one's own attention.
Essentially what I am looking for now with others to move forward in creating this new volunteer group are people who simultaneously have these three qualities to them:
1) A shared understanding of the nature of people and general outlook on life
2) A shared committment to practicing present-moment life-skills (inter-personal, emotional, meditative, spiritual)
3) A shared fundamental comfort with living in an alternative non-materialistic (ie, "dirt poor but loving it") communal life-style
I admit, this is a relatively rare and obscure grouping of people that I am looking for. However, I was recently heartened to read these words by the fringe New Age theorist Tom Montalk:
"Your spiritual family exists right now scattered about, it's just a matter of timing and preparation for these to gather."
So what I have committed to do now is to take steps to better prepare & improve myself, as well as to meet others with like minds/hearts/paths. I will also continue to put more attention into the vision of the new volunteer group that I want in hopes of getting increasing clarity & self-understanding around it.
When ready, what is needed will appear. This is a certain kind of trusting + action.
One problem here is that I think that generally-speaking, people's attention gets lost in too many words. After a certain number of words, people's minds begin to wander, and they lose interest in the text at hand. I think that one of the big problems facing society today is people's lack of control over their own attention & ability to concentrate. One of the ways in which this is expressed is through the decline in reading, in general.
So if I express myself in writing here, in too many words, people will get lost and I will never hear from them again. If I express myself in person with too many words, people will tune out then as well, but I can notice that and then try to find their attention again. That is one advantage to face-to-face contact.
To be effective in conveying concepts to others, writing needs to be concise & consolidated in meaning. What is truly important & relevant to the situation at hand can be found and expressed succinctly. Approaching it in any other way is to do so primarily for my own benefit, or for the entertainment of the select few who possess the extraordinary stamina required to keep on reading.
I still feel as strong a desire as ever to create a new kind of group. This desire comes from my wanting to help in improving myself, others, and the world in multiple ways simultaneously. I do think that it can be done, and I want to do it.
One of the areas of improvement that I did not directly talk about in my last text and which I since have seen as being increasingly important to include is that which we can call "spiritual".
When I say "spiritual", I am referring to a kind of quality of experience, that we all have had at different times, in which we feel a connection & appreciation to something bigger & beyond ourselves that runs throughout all of life. The feelings associated with this kind of experience ranges anywhere from humble content-ness to ecstasy, from "subtle" to fully-immersive. The very nature of this experience is such that when words are used to describe it, they come out either sounding like poetic metaphor or jibberish.
The best means for understanding the "spiritual" are your own personal experiences with it. I am talking experiences here, not beliefs. Beliefs (religious or otherwise) at best can point to or guide one's spiritual experiences. At worst they get in the way of having them.
So why do I say that spirituality is so important? Well, consider these recent news stories.
Why would people do these kinds of things to other people?
I see this all being the result of people losing touch with that which is authentically spiritual in us.
I see things this way... People generally refrain from killing or abusing one-another out of a fundamental respect for people. We have this respect because we see people as being a special kind of life. This has meaning to us because we have at different points felt that particular kind of connection to "something greater" that flows throughout all of life - and that leaves an impact on us. This gives us a deep, perhaps even non-verbal, understanding that these people too are connected with that. Hurting others then doesn't make any sense, because it is akin to hurting yourself & more, and it feels wrong in a very profound way. Having spiritual experiences tends to predispose one to do the opposite of that.
I think the more that people have a "spiritual poverty" in their lives, ie, less & less contact with authentic spiritual experiences, the easier it then becomes to see other people, yourself, life itself even as being utterly meaningless & devoid of value. I say "authentic" spiritual experiences to make a distinction from moments of being carried away by emotions or imagination which can lead to fanaticism or psychosis. I see authentic spiritual experience leading inevitably to a pure compassionate desire to serve life.
One thing that stands out to me during my times in New Orleans is the difference in character and energy-levels between those who were volunteering there for spiritual or religious reasons, and those there for other reasons (including myself). The spiritual-oriented folks seemed to have more of an optimism & vibrancy about them, and this seemed to be the case regardless of any particular religion or spiritual path.
This all leads me to see spiritual experience, of any form, as a source of a kind of "life-energy" needed to keep going - especially in tough times or situations. I had a few spiritual experiences in New Orleans, some of which were written about here. These were scattered & irregular, and I would like to find ways to consciously induce them. To have a sort of steady reliable fuel source, so to speak.
So I would like to be a part of a volunteer group that has meditation and spiritual exercise as a part of it's daily routine. I think that daily routine as a group supports greater discipline and likelihood of actually carrying it out, as well as lending more of a context for meaning to the activity. A practice of regular meditation I believe can strengthen the abilities of concentration & control over one's own attention.
Essentially what I am looking for now with others to move forward in creating this new volunteer group are people who simultaneously have these three qualities to them:
1) A shared understanding of the nature of people and general outlook on life
2) A shared committment to practicing present-moment life-skills (inter-personal, emotional, meditative, spiritual)
3) A shared fundamental comfort with living in an alternative non-materialistic (ie, "dirt poor but loving it") communal life-style
I admit, this is a relatively rare and obscure grouping of people that I am looking for. However, I was recently heartened to read these words by the fringe New Age theorist Tom Montalk:
"Your spiritual family exists right now scattered about, it's just a matter of timing and preparation for these to gather."
So what I have committed to do now is to take steps to better prepare & improve myself, as well as to meet others with like minds/hearts/paths. I will also continue to put more attention into the vision of the new volunteer group that I want in hopes of getting increasing clarity & self-understanding around it.
When ready, what is needed will appear. This is a certain kind of trusting + action.
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