When I look back on my experience of 2009 in many ways the main underlying theme of the year for me, personally, was that of recovering from and integrating all that I experienced in 2008 - and to some extent the last ten years (1999 - 2009) as well.
(for a brief re-cap this music video pretty nicely sums up my experience of 2008. This song accompanies the title for this entry here.)
In a number of ways I feel as if I had quite a few traumas, unresolved pain, and just a general sense of "what have I done?" left over from the last ten years that I had to work through. And this year, 2009, was the first time since 2001 that I was living at one place for the entire year, thereby providing a nice, safe, stable living environment conducive for me to do this kind of inner work.
The first five months of 2009 I was primarily focused on traditional organized religion as a way to support me in finding more stability, grounding, and healing in my life. Primarily Buddhism, Christianity, and the Baha'i Faith were the religions that I was exploring. The Baha'i Faith, which is the religion that I was born into and raised with, I became so involved with during early 2009 that I came very close to officially re-joining as a member. I did not end up re-joining it, however, for I was clear-headed enough to be able to realize that there are a number of different statements and beliefs coming from the Baha'i central figures that I fundamentally disagree with. I yearned for a deep sense of devotion, belonging, community, and faith, and for a while I was attached to the idea of the Baha'i Faith being my means for getting all of that in a sustainable and ongoing way.
An interesting thing is that during the time-period in which I was doing the prayers, meditation, and other devotional acts within the Baha'i Faith I did indeed feel more grounded, healthy, and spiritually nourished than I have felt for a long time. When I stopped doing them I felt differently. Different, not necessarily worse, for other needs were then focused on and met.
The period of time after this (May, June, July) I was focused very heavily on doing Nonviolent Communication work in the form of empathic listening, self-empathic inquiry, and self-reflection using NVC for guidance. It was also during this time that I discovered the work of Stephen Schwartz that goes by the name of "Compassionate Self-Care". This had a profound effect on me, enabling me to go through an experience of mourning, and from that find a level of self-acceptance and self-valuing that was deeply supportive for me to move forward.
Another factor that was helpful for me regarding all of this was the existence of regular ongoing empathy partners throughout the year, that is, people with whom I regularly met with in-person or on the phone to give and receive empathic listening with. This is something that I have very much wanted throughout my life, but have not had due to the instability in my life for so long. Now with one steady stable home-base and a daily/weekly schedule present in my life, I have been able to establish these kinds of ongoing regular supportive relationships.
Speaking of relationships, the whole second half of the year contained within it a big element of - being in love. In June I entered into a new romantic relationship with a coworker at Camphill Soltane. The experience has been deeply nourishing for me. The person is a very calm, grounded, and secure person, and being around her I believe has aided me in developing these same qualities within myself as well. With this, it is not a particular belief system or series of spiritual/self-help practices that has supported me, but a real human relationship of depth, meaning, intimacy, and partnership. I feel profoundly grateful for this.
The experience of being a part of a community, engaging in meaningful work, having ongoing mutually-supportive relationships with real people in my daily life - has been quite profound for me as well. In many ways living/working at Camphill Soltane is nothing new for me for I have been a part of communes before, I have done the circuit of esoteric spiritual ideologies, and being around different weird & crazy folk has been my bread & butter. So that has helped to prepare me for all of this and life at Soltane has been no "shock" for me as a result.
This is not to say that it has not been challenging for me at times. I have struggled at times with great frustrations and judgments. Sometimes I have managed my own inner-energy poorly, resulting in me feeling quite "burned-out". But at the end of it all, it all seems manageable to me, with lots of learning & growth to be had from the experience.
Although I have been living and working surrounded by people, many of whom are often quite loud, dramatic, and seemingly unpredictable, the real work for me this year was primarily internal, as you have probably already guessed by now. I began the year by reading the book "Walking in the Shade" and ended it by reading The Golden Notebook, both by Doris Lessing. These two books each in their own ways document a certain period of time of Doris Lessing's life which she describes as: "I was writing my way out of one set of ideas, even out of a way of life." Through my own ongoing year-long process of self-examination that was my experience of 2009 as well.
Many different core pieces of my old identity dropped away this year. It was this year that I stopped referring to myself as "(I)An-ok", that I ceased to consider myself as being "an anarchist", and that I no longer saw myself as being some big drop-out/commune guy. No big new identity, label, or grand agenda arose to replace all of that - and that feels pretty good. Many of my core values are still the same, although a lot of the outward forms and content are different. I simply no longer feel the drive to be quite so ostentatious about all of it.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Friday, December 18, 2009
System Blindness
Wonderful thinking on justice, systems, relationships, living your life...
System Blindness from Restorative Circles on Vimeo.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Ten years after the day that changed everything
Ten years ago today were the Seattle WTO protests, a real turning-point for the anarchist scene, and as a result a turning-point for my life as well. Before that point most people outside of radical and counter-culture circles had never heard of "anarchism", after it, all kinds of folks were talking about it. Suddenly mainstream media venues were talking about "anarchists", as were my relatives (totally unprovoked by me!). More important than that, within the anarchist scene in general a new sense of hope, optimism and possibility emerged that we can and are going about changing the world.
After November 30th 1999 the momentum from that carried on to other big protests and events as the "anti-globalization movement". Summit protest after summit protest around the world the excitement continued on until September 11th 2001 when suddenly everything changed and the ground we were standing on shifted. The "anti-globalization movement" then lost steam and in it's place arose the "anti-war movement", which simply was not as much fun. It was a long dark night of the soul living under and protesting against the second Bush administration and it's blatantly militaristic and authoritarian approach. That all continued on until essentially last year, 2008, when Obama and his rhetoric of "hope" and "change" took many activists who were simply worn-out by the years of Bush.
From the anarchist perspective, specifically, by the time that Obama emerged from when the Seattle WTO protests happened it was by and large an entirely different crowd of people who were around. Most of the people who were actively involved as "anarchists" then had essentially moved on, and an entirely different, younger generation, came in to take their place. The new generation of anarchists had known of the Seattle WTO protests as recent history, much like how my generation of anarchists had known of the anti-nuclear and Autonomen movements of the 80's.
From my perspective, by the time last year came around I had largely burned myself out on "anarchism". I had for a long time had a critique of protests as being an effective strategy/tactic for social change, while despite all of the similar critiques out there protests remained the main thing that seemed to inspire and mobilize anarchists out there. When the Republican National Convention protests happened in September of last year, the combined effect of police repression against activists, lack of a coherent public message on the part of the anarchists, failure to inspire people outside of anarchist-activist circles towards radical action, and the fact that this protest event was so anticipated, planned for, and worked-towards for so long - my final reserve supply of enthusiasm for what is called "anarchism" had run empty.
Another aspect of the whole thing was that I had always seen anarchism as being equally positive as well as negative in it's focus. "Positive" in the sense of presenting an inspiring and moving picture of a beautiful new world that we can create afresh, as well as pointing to the power that each of has individually as well as collectively to radically transform our lives for the better. "Negative" in the sense of openly critiquing and rejecting the existing structure of the world today, it's historical precedents, and the various mainstream movements to change it, from a comprehensive and fundamental stand-point. For a long time I have seen most people identified as "anarchist" as focusing very heavily on the "negative" aspects, that is on the critiques and denouncing, while focusing very lightly or even not at all on the "positive" side of things. Having such a lop-sided perspective eventually leaves very little emotional/spiritual "fuel" for people to keep going, I believe.
Over time I have come to adopt more of what could be considered to be a Buddhist Tolstoyan perspective (although I don't identify as such), part of which could be summarized with this quote from him:
"The Anarchists are right in everything; in the negation of the existing order, and in the assertion that, without Authority, there could not be worse violence than that of Authority under existing conditions. They are mistaken only in thinking that Anarchy can be instituted by a revolution. But it will be instituted only by there being more and more people who do not require the protection of governmental power ... There can be only one permanent revolution - a moral one: the regeneration of the inner man."
It's an evolving ever-changing work-in-progress, I admit - my beliefs, the various movements for social change, as well as the world in general. Ten years after the anarchist scene was so radically catalyzed by the Seattle WTO protests we all seem to be at some very different places than we were before. I wonder where we will be after the next ten years.
After November 30th 1999 the momentum from that carried on to other big protests and events as the "anti-globalization movement". Summit protest after summit protest around the world the excitement continued on until September 11th 2001 when suddenly everything changed and the ground we were standing on shifted. The "anti-globalization movement" then lost steam and in it's place arose the "anti-war movement", which simply was not as much fun. It was a long dark night of the soul living under and protesting against the second Bush administration and it's blatantly militaristic and authoritarian approach. That all continued on until essentially last year, 2008, when Obama and his rhetoric of "hope" and "change" took many activists who were simply worn-out by the years of Bush.
From the anarchist perspective, specifically, by the time that Obama emerged from when the Seattle WTO protests happened it was by and large an entirely different crowd of people who were around. Most of the people who were actively involved as "anarchists" then had essentially moved on, and an entirely different, younger generation, came in to take their place. The new generation of anarchists had known of the Seattle WTO protests as recent history, much like how my generation of anarchists had known of the anti-nuclear and Autonomen movements of the 80's.
From my perspective, by the time last year came around I had largely burned myself out on "anarchism". I had for a long time had a critique of protests as being an effective strategy/tactic for social change, while despite all of the similar critiques out there protests remained the main thing that seemed to inspire and mobilize anarchists out there. When the Republican National Convention protests happened in September of last year, the combined effect of police repression against activists, lack of a coherent public message on the part of the anarchists, failure to inspire people outside of anarchist-activist circles towards radical action, and the fact that this protest event was so anticipated, planned for, and worked-towards for so long - my final reserve supply of enthusiasm for what is called "anarchism" had run empty.
Another aspect of the whole thing was that I had always seen anarchism as being equally positive as well as negative in it's focus. "Positive" in the sense of presenting an inspiring and moving picture of a beautiful new world that we can create afresh, as well as pointing to the power that each of has individually as well as collectively to radically transform our lives for the better. "Negative" in the sense of openly critiquing and rejecting the existing structure of the world today, it's historical precedents, and the various mainstream movements to change it, from a comprehensive and fundamental stand-point. For a long time I have seen most people identified as "anarchist" as focusing very heavily on the "negative" aspects, that is on the critiques and denouncing, while focusing very lightly or even not at all on the "positive" side of things. Having such a lop-sided perspective eventually leaves very little emotional/spiritual "fuel" for people to keep going, I believe.
Over time I have come to adopt more of what could be considered to be a Buddhist Tolstoyan perspective (although I don't identify as such), part of which could be summarized with this quote from him:
"The Anarchists are right in everything; in the negation of the existing order, and in the assertion that, without Authority, there could not be worse violence than that of Authority under existing conditions. They are mistaken only in thinking that Anarchy can be instituted by a revolution. But it will be instituted only by there being more and more people who do not require the protection of governmental power ... There can be only one permanent revolution - a moral one: the regeneration of the inner man."
It's an evolving ever-changing work-in-progress, I admit - my beliefs, the various movements for social change, as well as the world in general. Ten years after the anarchist scene was so radically catalyzed by the Seattle WTO protests we all seem to be at some very different places than we were before. I wonder where we will be after the next ten years.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
(I) is for identity
About ten years ago at Twin Oaks Community I wrote on a 3 x 5 notecard announcing to the world that my new name is henceforth "(I)An-ok", which is pronounced "Yan-ock". Since then I have traveled all over the country meeting all kinds of different people, introducing myself to them as "(I)An-ok".
Nowadays, after all that time, I commonly introduce myself to others using my original and legal name, which is "Ian". Increasingly those who know me by "(I)An-ok" are making the switch back as well. "(I)An-ok" is dying.
I adopted "(I)An-ok" for a very important reason - I was creating my own new identity for myself. I objected to how others saw me previously, as well as to how I saw myself. I saw "Ian" as representing passiveness, acceptance of the status quo, and bland un-original conformity. I began at that point a decade-long quest to re-create and re-define myself in opposition to how my parents molded me as well as in opposition to how the world-at-large constructed me. I wanted to be a new person and to live a life that is radically different from everything that I had ever known before. I wanted to live outside of what most folks even considered possible.
The name in itself signified something of a unity and identification taking place between myself with the philosophy of anarchism. I didn't think about it this way explicitly as such, but on a very core & fundamental level that was the case. The name is a combination & synthesis of my original name "Ian" together with the word "anok", which is a little-known punk rock abbreviation for "anarchist", "anarchy", things of that nature. My name did not explicitly "mean" that, I usually told others that "(I)An-ok" did not actually "mean anything" per se. But on a deep level, it did.
That all feels over, or mostly-over, for me now. One reason is that increasingly I find very little to gain of value by holding onto "anarchist" as an identity for myself. A friend once told me that he essentially had anarchist views but that he never refers to himself as one. He said that to introduce oneself to a stranger by identifying yourself as an "anarchist" is for many folks the equivalent of meeting a stranger and saying, "hello, I am a violent asshole". It simply is just way too much work to clear up that kind of initial misunderstanding, so it's best to start out some other way.
I feel as if I am entering a new phase of my life now in terms of how I see myself, how I would like others to see me, and more importantly in terms of the general underlying sense or feeling that is moving through me in what I do. For most of the last ten years of life I have felt a general underlying sense of opposition or desire to destroy all that is around me (in terms of social institutions, life-styles, standard operating procedures) and now - I yearn for more peace, acceptance, and stability throughout all that I do.
That all being said, I really do not feel the drive to identify myself with any particular group, belief system, cause, ideology or movement. There are many different things that I like, many different things that I have identified myself with in the past. But now, the whole thing seems like a receipe for disaster. I say this because every belief system is limited, every person is fallible, and everything is impermanent. To identify with something like this is to set oneself up for needless suffering - something which I have put myself through again and again repeatedly these past ten plus years.
So there are many different things taking place all at once here:
For one I no longer feel the great burning desire for myself to stand out, to be unique, "to make a name for myself" so-to-speak.
At the same time I do not feel a particular affinity for that which falls under the name of "anarchist" above or beyond other labels, belief-systems, and ideology-based social scenes that I also have affinity with.
And I do not feel a particular desire to identify myself with any particular belief system for I see that as a way in which one creates unnecessary suffering for oneself.
As a result of all of this, "Ian" emerges once again. I've been around a bit, through a bunch, with a few others, and here I am again.
Now I'm back to where I started.
But not really.
Nowadays, after all that time, I commonly introduce myself to others using my original and legal name, which is "Ian". Increasingly those who know me by "(I)An-ok" are making the switch back as well. "(I)An-ok" is dying.
I adopted "(I)An-ok" for a very important reason - I was creating my own new identity for myself. I objected to how others saw me previously, as well as to how I saw myself. I saw "Ian" as representing passiveness, acceptance of the status quo, and bland un-original conformity. I began at that point a decade-long quest to re-create and re-define myself in opposition to how my parents molded me as well as in opposition to how the world-at-large constructed me. I wanted to be a new person and to live a life that is radically different from everything that I had ever known before. I wanted to live outside of what most folks even considered possible.
The name in itself signified something of a unity and identification taking place between myself with the philosophy of anarchism. I didn't think about it this way explicitly as such, but on a very core & fundamental level that was the case. The name is a combination & synthesis of my original name "Ian" together with the word "anok", which is a little-known punk rock abbreviation for "anarchist", "anarchy", things of that nature. My name did not explicitly "mean" that, I usually told others that "(I)An-ok" did not actually "mean anything" per se. But on a deep level, it did.
That all feels over, or mostly-over, for me now. One reason is that increasingly I find very little to gain of value by holding onto "anarchist" as an identity for myself. A friend once told me that he essentially had anarchist views but that he never refers to himself as one. He said that to introduce oneself to a stranger by identifying yourself as an "anarchist" is for many folks the equivalent of meeting a stranger and saying, "hello, I am a violent asshole". It simply is just way too much work to clear up that kind of initial misunderstanding, so it's best to start out some other way.
I feel as if I am entering a new phase of my life now in terms of how I see myself, how I would like others to see me, and more importantly in terms of the general underlying sense or feeling that is moving through me in what I do. For most of the last ten years of life I have felt a general underlying sense of opposition or desire to destroy all that is around me (in terms of social institutions, life-styles, standard operating procedures) and now - I yearn for more peace, acceptance, and stability throughout all that I do.
That all being said, I really do not feel the drive to identify myself with any particular group, belief system, cause, ideology or movement. There are many different things that I like, many different things that I have identified myself with in the past. But now, the whole thing seems like a receipe for disaster. I say this because every belief system is limited, every person is fallible, and everything is impermanent. To identify with something like this is to set oneself up for needless suffering - something which I have put myself through again and again repeatedly these past ten plus years.
So there are many different things taking place all at once here:
For one I no longer feel the great burning desire for myself to stand out, to be unique, "to make a name for myself" so-to-speak.
At the same time I do not feel a particular affinity for that which falls under the name of "anarchist" above or beyond other labels, belief-systems, and ideology-based social scenes that I also have affinity with.
And I do not feel a particular desire to identify myself with any particular belief system for I see that as a way in which one creates unnecessary suffering for oneself.
As a result of all of this, "Ian" emerges once again. I've been around a bit, through a bunch, with a few others, and here I am again.
Now I'm back to where I started.
But not really.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Anicca Yearnings
I feel the urge to write some kind of up-date-on-my-life post here, since it has been so long (since mid-February) that I did such a thing and much has taken place in my life since then.
However, when I think about itemizing & explaining all of the different changes and developments that have occurred in my life, I really have no interest in going through it all. I have talked with a number of different people in-depth about these things, and I have thought, worried, emoted, mourned & rejoiced - gone through the whole theatrical deal - so the possibility of writing it all out now feels something similar to filling out paperwork. I'd hate to see our relationship degenerate into something like that.
So I'll write something different here, while hopefully still relatedly on-topic. Hopefully you will be able to figure out what's what - or at least enjoy the confusion & your own varyingly vivid imagination.
Tomorrow (August 1st) is the last day of the "school year" here at Camphill Soltane. After that, people are then released, different folks are moved around to different places, and everybody gets a new label as to what their status is. There has been very much anticipation and excitement leading up to all of this all-around. The day after tomorrow my "August break" begins with various plans, commitments, and intentions hopefully kicking into place. Come September, we all return in a new constellation for a new "school year" to begin again.
I too am eager and excited for this new phase to begin. Perhaps I have been looking forward to this too much. Perhaps we all have. But I am getting ahead of myself.
At this point I actually feel exhausted and depleted - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I am needing relief, rest, and rejuvenation. I am also wanting to integrate all that has taken place over the past couple months, but I do not know how to do that without first attending to these three "R"-needs.
I suppose that part of my feeling of energy-depletion comes from how I have been living with four developmentally-disabled people who habitually turn to the volunteers of the house for attention, direction, and orientation. Usually this takes the form of them asking questions, and usually these questions are very similar and repetitive. I suppose that I have not learned to respond to these ongoing patterns in ways that are sustainable for me. I realize now that, over time, this has worn me down, and I am unsure of how or why this has occurred.
It seems to me that some of the most important things that I want to look after now are ways for me to honor and reinforce my own personal energy, focus, and momentum. Without these, everything all goes to hell, and I have seen/gone-through it enough times now to know exactly how this happens.
Looking after these needs, personal energy, focus, and momentum, seem to be of the nature of a spiritual practice - as well as a getting-things-done practice. Interesting, that. But as "interesting" as that may be, all-too-easily my attention can be snagged by the inane, the irrelevant, and the unnecessarily burdensome. This has happened to me, now. Or rather, the leading-up-to-now.
Right now though, literally speaking, I find myself in the familiarly-unique experience of conceptually clearing the fog from my head and realizing all that I have before me, options-wise and wisdom-wise. The path (or paths) to personal energy, focus, and momentum can be seen here.
Recently I have been reading the book "Don't Push the River (it flows by itself)" by Barry Stevens. In it can be found this quote:
"I think I need to be reminded of things I already know more than I need to be told things I don't."
That applies to me here as well.
When I wrote my last up-date on this blog about my life at Camphill Soltane, I was still in the midst of a kind of euphoric I'm-in-love-with-this-place state. Now, I am in more of a settled this-is-my-home-despite-all-the-weirdness state. Settled as well as in flux, because the whole thing is in flux. The "settled" comes from a great deal more familiarity and depth & variety of experience with the place.
Friends from different places often write to me asking me how I am doing, how things are going, etc. I really don't know what to say to that, really. I often respond by not writing back, ie, overwhelm = mental shut-down due to the encroaching waves of cascading thoughts & my attention going else-where to retreat to "higher ground". Or, I feel like answering their question with one four-letter word ("good") and then following that up with a long personal ramble that answers their question more fully but in an indirect way.
Another pertinent quote from "Don't Push the River":
"Whatever clarity I achieve is refined out of so much confusion that I am often more aware of the muddle than anything else."
Interactions with other people can help me to achieve clarity - or at least the kind of clarity that I want. However, to get this is not just a matter of "interacting with people", but is more about "interacting with people in particular kinds of ways". Usually I come to associate these "particular kinds of ways" with "particular people", which due to circumstances immediately begins to narrow down my options for support for clarity. I want to break this open - open it up - for more to use for everybody. In other words, if these "particular ways" really are supportive, why not share the wealth? And then, how can I do this meaningfully?
This then leads me to how often I adopt the missionary approach to whatever it is that I am into. Spread the Gospel, Teach the Faith, Reveal God's Word (even if the word-on-the-street appears to have it all be atheistic in nature). So now I am wanting ways to help others to help me (and to help themselves & help each-other) achieve clarity. Earlier I said that I want to find ways to more sustainably meet my needs for personal energy, focus, and momentum. Chances are that if I found ways to do that too, I'd want to share them, reproduce them, get others to get into it too. So what is that? Missionary-ism? Proselytism? Yet another wingnut pushing yet another cause?
I'd like to think that we all can go down together, and we all can go up together too. And the building-up part can happen consciously, by choice. The opposite usually happens through the opposite way, that is, sleep-walking off some cliff. Or listening to the voices in our heads instead of really listening to those around us. Or, particularly in my case, listening to the idle chatter of bored/nervous people instead of listening for deeper meanings.
I feel like I am burned out because I have burned up all of my own sense of personal meaning more quickly than I could generate it. And I generate it by "really listening", or really feeling, which is a kind of listening. When I distract myself by gazing entranced out the window at the pretty scenery moving by, I am not keeping an eye out on my fuel-meter - or watching where I am going for that matter!
About a week from now I will willfully lock myself into a series of cages (metaphorically & somewhat literally-speaking) to help "force" myself to more fully practice / immerse myself in all of what I am going on about here. I will do that with the help of these two organizations. I am eagerly looking forward to it, which is perhaps an unhealthy way to look at it, from a number of perspectives. In other words, I am intending on getting myself back "on track", and plans are in the works for that.
Also from "Don't Push the River":
"We set up all sorts of difficulties for ourselves like a barricade, haul ourselves over them, then pat ourselves on the back for our accomplishment."
Yes, that is what I am doing. I suppose that I am wanting to do this a bit more intentionally now, with the idea being that through doing so I would then be able to better appreciate the clear path for when it is clear. And to notice when I am habitually reaching to clutter up the path with fragments from a dead mind - another form of busy-work.
My energy for writing this has gone, and I am too, seeya.
However, when I think about itemizing & explaining all of the different changes and developments that have occurred in my life, I really have no interest in going through it all. I have talked with a number of different people in-depth about these things, and I have thought, worried, emoted, mourned & rejoiced - gone through the whole theatrical deal - so the possibility of writing it all out now feels something similar to filling out paperwork. I'd hate to see our relationship degenerate into something like that.
So I'll write something different here, while hopefully still relatedly on-topic. Hopefully you will be able to figure out what's what - or at least enjoy the confusion & your own varyingly vivid imagination.
Tomorrow (August 1st) is the last day of the "school year" here at Camphill Soltane. After that, people are then released, different folks are moved around to different places, and everybody gets a new label as to what their status is. There has been very much anticipation and excitement leading up to all of this all-around. The day after tomorrow my "August break" begins with various plans, commitments, and intentions hopefully kicking into place. Come September, we all return in a new constellation for a new "school year" to begin again.
I too am eager and excited for this new phase to begin. Perhaps I have been looking forward to this too much. Perhaps we all have. But I am getting ahead of myself.
At this point I actually feel exhausted and depleted - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I am needing relief, rest, and rejuvenation. I am also wanting to integrate all that has taken place over the past couple months, but I do not know how to do that without first attending to these three "R"-needs.
I suppose that part of my feeling of energy-depletion comes from how I have been living with four developmentally-disabled people who habitually turn to the volunteers of the house for attention, direction, and orientation. Usually this takes the form of them asking questions, and usually these questions are very similar and repetitive. I suppose that I have not learned to respond to these ongoing patterns in ways that are sustainable for me. I realize now that, over time, this has worn me down, and I am unsure of how or why this has occurred.
It seems to me that some of the most important things that I want to look after now are ways for me to honor and reinforce my own personal energy, focus, and momentum. Without these, everything all goes to hell, and I have seen/gone-through it enough times now to know exactly how this happens.
Looking after these needs, personal energy, focus, and momentum, seem to be of the nature of a spiritual practice - as well as a getting-things-done practice. Interesting, that. But as "interesting" as that may be, all-too-easily my attention can be snagged by the inane, the irrelevant, and the unnecessarily burdensome. This has happened to me, now. Or rather, the leading-up-to-now.
Right now though, literally speaking, I find myself in the familiarly-unique experience of conceptually clearing the fog from my head and realizing all that I have before me, options-wise and wisdom-wise. The path (or paths) to personal energy, focus, and momentum can be seen here.
Recently I have been reading the book "Don't Push the River (it flows by itself)" by Barry Stevens. In it can be found this quote:
"I think I need to be reminded of things I already know more than I need to be told things I don't."
That applies to me here as well.
When I wrote my last up-date on this blog about my life at Camphill Soltane, I was still in the midst of a kind of euphoric I'm-in-love-with-this-place state. Now, I am in more of a settled this-is-my-home-despite-all-the-weirdness state. Settled as well as in flux, because the whole thing is in flux. The "settled" comes from a great deal more familiarity and depth & variety of experience with the place.
Friends from different places often write to me asking me how I am doing, how things are going, etc. I really don't know what to say to that, really. I often respond by not writing back, ie, overwhelm = mental shut-down due to the encroaching waves of cascading thoughts & my attention going else-where to retreat to "higher ground". Or, I feel like answering their question with one four-letter word ("good") and then following that up with a long personal ramble that answers their question more fully but in an indirect way.
Another pertinent quote from "Don't Push the River":
"Whatever clarity I achieve is refined out of so much confusion that I am often more aware of the muddle than anything else."
Interactions with other people can help me to achieve clarity - or at least the kind of clarity that I want. However, to get this is not just a matter of "interacting with people", but is more about "interacting with people in particular kinds of ways". Usually I come to associate these "particular kinds of ways" with "particular people", which due to circumstances immediately begins to narrow down my options for support for clarity. I want to break this open - open it up - for more to use for everybody. In other words, if these "particular ways" really are supportive, why not share the wealth? And then, how can I do this meaningfully?
This then leads me to how often I adopt the missionary approach to whatever it is that I am into. Spread the Gospel, Teach the Faith, Reveal God's Word (even if the word-on-the-street appears to have it all be atheistic in nature). So now I am wanting ways to help others to help me (and to help themselves & help each-other) achieve clarity. Earlier I said that I want to find ways to more sustainably meet my needs for personal energy, focus, and momentum. Chances are that if I found ways to do that too, I'd want to share them, reproduce them, get others to get into it too. So what is that? Missionary-ism? Proselytism? Yet another wingnut pushing yet another cause?
I'd like to think that we all can go down together, and we all can go up together too. And the building-up part can happen consciously, by choice. The opposite usually happens through the opposite way, that is, sleep-walking off some cliff. Or listening to the voices in our heads instead of really listening to those around us. Or, particularly in my case, listening to the idle chatter of bored/nervous people instead of listening for deeper meanings.
I feel like I am burned out because I have burned up all of my own sense of personal meaning more quickly than I could generate it. And I generate it by "really listening", or really feeling, which is a kind of listening. When I distract myself by gazing entranced out the window at the pretty scenery moving by, I am not keeping an eye out on my fuel-meter - or watching where I am going for that matter!
About a week from now I will willfully lock myself into a series of cages (metaphorically & somewhat literally-speaking) to help "force" myself to more fully practice / immerse myself in all of what I am going on about here. I will do that with the help of these two organizations. I am eagerly looking forward to it, which is perhaps an unhealthy way to look at it, from a number of perspectives. In other words, I am intending on getting myself back "on track", and plans are in the works for that.
Also from "Don't Push the River":
"We set up all sorts of difficulties for ourselves like a barricade, haul ourselves over them, then pat ourselves on the back for our accomplishment."
Yes, that is what I am doing. I suppose that I am wanting to do this a bit more intentionally now, with the idea being that through doing so I would then be able to better appreciate the clear path for when it is clear. And to notice when I am habitually reaching to clutter up the path with fragments from a dead mind - another form of busy-work.
My energy for writing this has gone, and I am too, seeya.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Step-by-Step Compassionate Anger Transformation Process
Below is a step-by-step process for transforming anger that myself and a group of others worked together on co-creating last year. I am posting it here so that it will not be lost to the world, and so that I can get some further feed-back to use for developing it.
This process is based on the work of Nonviolent Communication.
Please speak up if you see how this process can be improved to be more beneficial and effective at transforming anger into further clarity, mutual understanding and harmony.
________________________________________
Compassionate Anger Transformation
By Ben Spencer, Conal Elliott, Parenthesis Eye, Susan Livingston and Milli O'Nair - Coming from collaborative dialogue at Acorn Community and NVC Evolves
Have you noticed that when you behave and communicate in anger, you are less likely to get what you want? You would probably prefer to respond to anger in a way that results in reconciliation, healing, peace, and harmony. Anger is a compound made up of feeling/s and thought/s. The following approach is offered to empower you to separate the components of this compound and harvest these gifts.
Step One - Anger alert
As soon as you notice anger in your heart, say, 'My heart is closed right now. I must go and open it.' And then go. As you go, ask, 'is my heart open, or is my heart closed?'
Whatever the answer, promise your heart that you are holding it with care.
Step Two - Connect with your intention
Are you enjoying your anger? If you are, then take a 'time out' and enjoy your anger! If you are not, then continue.
Step Three - Identify your thoughts
Are you telling yourself that you are right / wrong or good / bad, or what you want / need / deserve, or should do?
Are you telling yourself that the other is wrong or evil, or what s/he wants, needs, deserves, or should do? Stay still and silent and adopt an attitude of intense curiosity. Accept whatever comes up without censorship or clinging.
Step Four - Examine your thoughts
Repeat the thoughts you identified in Step Three, and ask again after each one, Is my heart open, or is my heart closed? If your heart is open, take that thought off the list. If your heart is closed, carry that thought forward for further processing.
Intermission
Now it's time to slow down, breathe, and celebrate the work you've done so far. Taking the first four steps as quickly as possible will restore safety and balance, but it is important to take your time as you continue the process. When you are ready, offer yourself a choice about how to proceed. For example, if you would enjoy processing privately, then you might choose to meditate or go for a walk. If you would enjoy processing during heart connection with another, then you might choose to talk with a friend, peer or mentor.
Step Five - Dance between each thought and identify the need
And now how do you feel having recognized your need?
For example, 'I'm telling myself, he is rude.' I need respect and now I feel frustrated; 'I'm telling myself, he always does this to me, I'm sick of it.' I need progress and now I feel hopeless; 'I'm telling myself, how many times do we have to go over the same thing?' I'm longing for movement and connection and now I feel relieved, as I connect to my needs.
Ask yourself after you translate thoughts into needs and feelings, 'is my heart open, or is my heart closed?' If your heart is closed, there are deeper needs and feelings to be found in amongst some thoughts, continue the dance - thoughts into needs and feelings now. When your heart is open you have connected to the beauty of your needs, you are ready to proceed.
Step Six - Make a request of self, the other or another
When you reach the 'sigh' and are connected, see if a request emerges of self, the other or another to move forward in the situation.
Step Seven - Healing and Reconciliation
When you see the other with unconditional positive regard, you are ready to engage in empathic dialog. If you are not comfortable or confident about doing this, ask a third party who was not involved in the stimulus incident to hold the space. This works best if this third person is equally known or unknown to each party.
Step Eight - Celebrate
When you both have open hearts and there is peace and harmony between you, celebrate!
This process is based on the work of Nonviolent Communication.
Please speak up if you see how this process can be improved to be more beneficial and effective at transforming anger into further clarity, mutual understanding and harmony.
________________________________________
Compassionate Anger Transformation
By Ben Spencer, Conal Elliott, Parenthesis Eye, Susan Livingston and Milli O'Nair - Coming from collaborative dialogue at Acorn Community and NVC Evolves
Have you noticed that when you behave and communicate in anger, you are less likely to get what you want? You would probably prefer to respond to anger in a way that results in reconciliation, healing, peace, and harmony. Anger is a compound made up of feeling/s and thought/s. The following approach is offered to empower you to separate the components of this compound and harvest these gifts.
Step One - Anger alert
As soon as you notice anger in your heart, say, 'My heart is closed right now. I must go and open it.' And then go. As you go, ask, 'is my heart open, or is my heart closed?'
Whatever the answer, promise your heart that you are holding it with care.
Step Two - Connect with your intention
Are you enjoying your anger? If you are, then take a 'time out' and enjoy your anger! If you are not, then continue.
Step Three - Identify your thoughts
Are you telling yourself that you are right / wrong or good / bad, or what you want / need / deserve, or should do?
Are you telling yourself that the other is wrong or evil, or what s/he wants, needs, deserves, or should do? Stay still and silent and adopt an attitude of intense curiosity. Accept whatever comes up without censorship or clinging.
Step Four - Examine your thoughts
Repeat the thoughts you identified in Step Three, and ask again after each one, Is my heart open, or is my heart closed? If your heart is open, take that thought off the list. If your heart is closed, carry that thought forward for further processing.
Intermission
Now it's time to slow down, breathe, and celebrate the work you've done so far. Taking the first four steps as quickly as possible will restore safety and balance, but it is important to take your time as you continue the process. When you are ready, offer yourself a choice about how to proceed. For example, if you would enjoy processing privately, then you might choose to meditate or go for a walk. If you would enjoy processing during heart connection with another, then you might choose to talk with a friend, peer or mentor.
Step Five - Dance between each thought and identify the need
And now how do you feel having recognized your need?
For example, 'I'm telling myself, he is rude.' I need respect and now I feel frustrated; 'I'm telling myself, he always does this to me, I'm sick of it.' I need progress and now I feel hopeless; 'I'm telling myself, how many times do we have to go over the same thing?' I'm longing for movement and connection and now I feel relieved, as I connect to my needs.
Ask yourself after you translate thoughts into needs and feelings, 'is my heart open, or is my heart closed?' If your heart is closed, there are deeper needs and feelings to be found in amongst some thoughts, continue the dance - thoughts into needs and feelings now. When your heart is open you have connected to the beauty of your needs, you are ready to proceed.
Step Six - Make a request of self, the other or another
When you reach the 'sigh' and are connected, see if a request emerges of self, the other or another to move forward in the situation.
Step Seven - Healing and Reconciliation
When you see the other with unconditional positive regard, you are ready to engage in empathic dialog. If you are not comfortable or confident about doing this, ask a third party who was not involved in the stimulus incident to hold the space. This works best if this third person is equally known or unknown to each party.
Step Eight - Celebrate
When you both have open hearts and there is peace and harmony between you, celebrate!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The Fundamental Choice
Tonight I got to experience an old Camphill tradition, "Bible Supper". In it, everyone all dresses up in their Sunday finest, a dinner is prepared with the table set nicely, and an attempt at "higher conversation" is had. After dinner is over, everyone retires to a separate room to collectively read from the Bible and discuss the meaning contained in the verse therein.
The verse read tonight was about a woman who was sick for years. Then she one day came across Jesus. She knew that simply by touching him, she would be healed. She made her way through a crowd of people, touched his clothes - was healed. Jesus then said in response something along the lines of: "It was the faith in your heart that healed you".
The conversation following this I found to be quite interesting and meaningful. At one point someone said: "If faith can heal people, why can't we be healed from our disabilities?" It felt to me then that there was a sudden shift in intensity throughout the room. "You can't be healed from that", was said in reply. Resignation. Angst seemed to emanate.
I then felt struck to say, "Disabilities or not, there is always one fundamental thing that you can control, and that is your own heart. We can always choose to love or not, we can choose to be closer to God or not."
I admit, this sentiment did not originate from me. For one, there is Victor Frankl:
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
And, similarly, there is the old religious sentiment of - have every moment be taken in prayerful communion with God. This too is a choice that one can make.
It may not seem like much, but at the same time it seems like an incredible foundation to start with.
The verse read tonight was about a woman who was sick for years. Then she one day came across Jesus. She knew that simply by touching him, she would be healed. She made her way through a crowd of people, touched his clothes - was healed. Jesus then said in response something along the lines of: "It was the faith in your heart that healed you".
The conversation following this I found to be quite interesting and meaningful. At one point someone said: "If faith can heal people, why can't we be healed from our disabilities?" It felt to me then that there was a sudden shift in intensity throughout the room. "You can't be healed from that", was said in reply. Resignation. Angst seemed to emanate.
I then felt struck to say, "Disabilities or not, there is always one fundamental thing that you can control, and that is your own heart. We can always choose to love or not, we can choose to be closer to God or not."
I admit, this sentiment did not originate from me. For one, there is Victor Frankl:
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
And, similarly, there is the old religious sentiment of - have every moment be taken in prayerful communion with God. This too is a choice that one can make.
It may not seem like much, but at the same time it seems like an incredible foundation to start with.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)