tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8491758030360570659.post843369902088697194..comments2023-08-02T08:55:39.775-07:00Comments on The Implicit & Experiential Rantings of a Person: Reflections from a Ten-year Giraffe FreakIan Mayeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08624133872487044679noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8491758030360570659.post-15812762506038593792013-06-07T21:25:51.280-07:002013-06-07T21:25:51.280-07:00And if I might also respond to Mair Alright's ...And if I might also respond to Mair Alright's comment: When I read what you wrote I get a feeling that I am being subjected to a kind of subtle psychological manipulation. It is difficult to put a finger on what exactly that manipulation consist in, and one part of me isnt concerned about figuring it out. That part of me is just an alarm crying: "Manipulator!!!" and driving me in the direction of a psychological / verbal fight-or-flight.<br /><br />On the other hand I recognize that there is a kind of sincerity underlying the post - a desire to engage with what may or may not be the weaknesses of her conversational approach. Moreover I find it very interesting and rewarding to try to pin down what those subtle feelings are really about, so I stopped to think about it. Here is what I came up with:<br /><br />The problem is in two parts. First, the post starts with an excessive amount of emotional sharing and verbalization. Im all for sincerity and openness. I dont think you can get too much of those qualities. But I dont think that those qualities are the same as verbalizing our emotions. When I am with my friends - trying to be with them as fully as possible - I dont just talk about my feelings the whole time. Rather, we talk about the trees, the ocean, genetics, the nature of consciousness, art history, and so on. Sometimes our emotions become relevant, and when they do we engage with that. But I am not just a bag of emotions, instead I am one take on the whole adventure of reality. Anyway, my point is that openness involves recognizing that we are here together in a very immediate way, and then just sharing what the moment brings. <br />So when I see excessive emotional sharing, I see either (a) someone who has so many issues that they have to go around gushing about it to everyone they meet or (b) someone presenting themselves as helpless and pitiful in order to elicit sympathy for some ulterior motive.<br /><br />This brings us to the second problem. Lo and behold: i want this and i want that. This is off-putting; in fact, I specifically tell my kid not to make requests by saying "I want X," but rather to make it a proper request "Can you spare a brother a dime?" If you make a request in the "I want" form, it sounds to me like you are implying that I am somehow beholdened to you and your wants - and you know what: I am not and I am not going to accept those terms. A further problem here is that I cant quite even make out what it is you really want. Apparently you want to be recognized as a unique being. Over the internet?!? Ok, sure, you're unique. Got any other problems?<br /><br />A third possible problem is that I recognize the post as taking the form of scripted conversation, which also may be making me wary. "What is this person hiding???"<br /><br />I hope this doesnt come off as being to harsh. It is not meant that way at all. Rather it is offered entirely in the spirit of examining how different modes of communication affect people - part of a collaborative project of figuring out how to communicate.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08704351773472086040noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8491758030360570659.post-45371710708813774532013-06-07T21:22:59.930-07:002013-06-07T21:22:59.930-07:00Great post. As someone who has only encountered NV...Great post. As someone who has only encountered NVC in its scripted, commodified form, it has left a very bad taste in my mouth, but the values you lay out are exactly the values that I try to bring to relationship. I am glad to know that NVC has a deeper side that is driving toward these values. I dont know what you do for a living, but you should really consider writing a book on the subject (and then of course leading groups, etc., etc.). If these attitudes can really be taught, it would be extremely valuable for people, and I think there is a clear hunger for this stuff.<br /><br />Let me also just say hi. I have recently discovered your blog, and it seems we have a lot in common, so you might be hearing more from me in the future. I look forward to interesting conversations.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08704351773472086040noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8491758030360570659.post-75084502962376669692013-03-14T19:49:17.294-07:002013-03-14T19:49:17.294-07:00I'd like to respond to Mair Alight's comme...I'd like to respond to Mair Alight's comment about wanting to be seen as the unique being s/he identifies as being and wanting that uniqueness to be acknowledged for them and each of those who are sharing [nvc] in ways as authentic for themselves. <br /><br />I hear the a need for acknowledgment, perhaps to be seen (and be seen as one sees oneself)? For one's identity to be known, possibly for respect? And/or to have one's experience of reality cared about, even shared by others?<br /><br />When I read Mair's want, I felt awkward and sad. I care about their needs and have the desire to give to them, but I also need to be true to my own authenticity. <br />What if I don't experience her/his work (or that of others') as unique to me?<br />How could I honestly acknowledge a quality I don't see, without compromising myself? I certainly wouldn't want to. <br /><br />I feel uncomfortable and torn between wanting to connect with this person, but finding the form of connection asked for to be incongruent with my own integrity.<br />What a bind, and on a so-called nonviolent communication blog!<br />I feel disappointed and in need of more commonality, which I hope to get by talking with Ian again soon.<br />Sincerely,<br />LM<br /><br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8491758030360570659.post-57493210244651731992013-03-10T06:42:17.372-07:002013-03-10T06:42:17.372-07:00I enjoyed this post and read to the end of it with...I enjoyed this post and read to the end of it with an orchestra of emotions and thoughts and wonderings. I was paying attention to what was happening within me...in the beginning curiosity & inspiration, then alignment and congruence within myself with what was being said and the way it was being said, and then towards the end, a growing sense of sadness and disappointment. I just felt moved to respond, having an idea in my head that you might be including me as a "normal" teacher of NVC, and feeling...hmmm....indignant and wanting to be seen as the unique being that I am, and wanting that uniqueness to be acknowledged for me and for each of those who are sharing in ways as authentic for themselves as they find a way to come to. Wondering if you read this, Ian, what comes up for you? Mair Alighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05657201943636323488noreply@blogger.com