Intermountain Touchfeeling

I have done a bunch of these ten-day Vipassana Meditation courses by now, both sitting them and serving them. This one feels different to me. It might be because this one comes at a particularly changeful time in my life, and frankly, it felt crucial to me to get the most out of this course this time. I am hoping that writing about my experience with this course can help me to sort out my thoughts, feelings and insights from this course. 

I went into this course with a clear sense of purpose: to get a handle on my own problems with anxiety. This past year or so I have had a lot of struggles with anxiety, and these problems have only gotten worse as time has progressed. It's gotten so bad that I realized that I needed to take action to deal with it directly. I have seen psychotherapists before, but I have not found them to be particularly helpful for me in this area. I also was clear within myself that I do not want to go the path of medications and chemical substances. These may or may not always be effective, but regardless of that, people and things are not always there available to support you. Anxiety and panic attacks can strike anytime and anywhere, and I wanted something that I could use that could meet this reality. Vipassana is something that I already had personal experience with, and I knew that it was something that I could always use, regardless of my circumstances. My problem was that I was not established in my practice of Vipassana. My experience thus far was a whole series of intense experiences with various meditation courses, not something that I had integrated into my daily experience with life. So that then was my mission going into this course: to get established with my Vipassana practice to have it be integrated into my daily life.

When a big chunk of time opened up due to shifting plans, Liz and I then chose to use that time to go pursue sitting and serving at a Vipassana meditation center somewhere. We chose Dhamma Pasava, aka the Intermountain Vipassana Center, located in Lava Hot Springs, Idaho. We chose this location because it is in a part of the country that neither of us had pre-existing personal experience with, because it was a Vipassana Meditation center that I had never been to before, because it is a relatively new center, and because it is located close by to some natural hot springs that we could go soak in after the various meditation courses were over. When I saw that a fellow NGL person chose to go away on a Buddhist meditation retreat during the time period around the U.S. presidential elections, I was inspired and decided to follow their example with that. The U.S. presidential elections were one big consistent stimulus for a lot of the anxiety that I was experiencing and I loved the idea of being somewhere peaceful and supportive when all the hubbub surrounding it reached it’s crescendo. So our plans were made, we were to do two ten-day Vipassana Meditation courses consecutively before and after the time of the U.S. presidential elections. When the time came we set out on the big trip to Idaho.

The drive out to Idaho took us through a lot of places that I had never gone to before but had long heard about, namely, Sioux Falls, Wall Drug and Sturgis in South Dakota, as well as through the cowboy-themed state of Wyoming, with it's vast desolate plains and sprawling mountains. We finally arrived at our hotel in Pocatello, Idaho the night before our first Vipassana Meditation course was scheduled to begin. I was quite impressed by the vast mountain landscape surrounding us there, something that was consistent throughout our entire time in Idaho. We had dinner from an Indian restaurant that night, which was reminiscent of our time spent at the Dhamma Sikhara Vipassana Meditation Centre located in the Himalayan Mountains of India exactly ten years previous. That night I had a bad panic attack and could barely get any sleep. The next morning we went to the Intermountain Vipassana Center, me feeling bleary-eyed and beleaguered.

When we arrived there I discovered that they had me assigned to be the male student manager for the course, which is a role that I have served countless times before in the past and knew well. It is a high-intensity high-responsibility job of essentially being the point-person, go-between, and caregiver for all the male students who are sitting the course. I was reluctant to take on this job, since I knew how low-capacity I felt due to my current mental and emotional state. Begrudgingly, out of a desire to be helpful and contribute to others, I accepted this role. However after having a conversation with the Vipassana teacher the night of Day 0 about my personal struggles with anxiety and panic attacks over this past year, the teacher then changed his mind about that assignment the next day. I then switched over to working in the kitchen, mainly washing many many dishes by hand, which I did so joyfully. I then proceeded to have a very nourishing experience serving at that course. It turned out that the combination of meditating 3+ hours a day, having regular interviews with the teacher, reading Vipassana books from the center library, having great conversations with other servers, breathing the cool fresh mountain air and having a stunning backdrop of the Rocky Mountains was a winning combination for me. I re-entered the outside world with it now being a new month, a new daylight savings time, and also now a year older due to my birthday taking place during this course.

We then spent a couple of days at an Airbnb in nearby Pocatello where we got to catch up some on emails and messages received while we were at the Vipassana course. We went back to the Vipassana center on November 5th, Election Day, which was also the day before the next course started. I timed it that way so that I would be out of the media loop when all the news flurry around the election happened. The environment at the Vipassana center happened to be super-busy that day as well, since when we arrived at the center the kitchen and dining room were in the process of being packed up and moved up the mountain to a new building that was built specifically to be the new kitchen and dining room for the center. Dishes and supplies were being packed and moved up, as were some appliances. I worked together with the Vipassana teacher and bunch of other volunteers to move some heavy refrigerators out of the old kitchen building and into the new one. It was a hectic day of activity and I often had little understanding of what the greater picture was for how everything was supposed to play out.

Then the day for the next Vipassana course started and I eventually discovered that I was going to be sitting that course as a student, that I wasn’t going to be working as a server for that course. Originally both Liz and I signed up to be servers working at that course, but during the previous course both the Vipassana teacher and myself came to the same conclusion that it would probably be a good idea for me to sit that course as a student. This was because we agreed that in order for me to strengthen my personal practice of Vipassana meditation that me sitting another 10-day course could probably help me with that. So I moved into my new dorm room, waited around for a lot of that day, and met a bunch of the other guys who were also sitting that course with me. I was surprised to find that I connected a lot with a bunch of the other students who were sitting that course. A lot of people really opened up in these initial conversations with me: one guy told me about his problems in his marriage, another guy told me about his discomfort and questions about staying with his job and the place he was living at, another guy shared how he’s had a difficult year. Connecting with these guys then, along with the fact that I already knew the teachers, student managers and center managers from the previous course that just happened there, gave me a really solid foundation going into this course. Noble Silence then began, the initial Anapana meditation instructions were given, and the course was on.

The first day of the course, I felt super confident and sure of myself with this course. I was certain that I was going to learn a lot in this course and that everything was going to be smooth sailing for me with this. I felt like a Vipassana superhero.

The second day of the course I was an emotional mess. I was questioning myself, my Vipassana abilities, and my whole life direction in general. It eventually got to the point where it was one of the scheduled break times and instead of taking a nap like I intended, I was just laying in bed crying my eyes out. I then decided to try to have a last-minute conversation with the teacher, which I was able to do in a desperate frantic state right before he left the interview room. The teacher reassured me that all things are impermanent, including my emotional struggles, and that it was good that I have been able to tap into some real experiences so early on here. Talking with him was a great help, and I was eventually able to settle down and meditate more calmly the rest of that day.

The third day of the course I came to the conclusion that there was no point in me even thinking about going to the 5pm Tea Break in the dining hall, and that my time was instead better spent walking around the mountainous trails outside within the course boundaries. The teacher told me that getting physical exercise is a good strategy for addressing anxiety, plus the mountain scenery was wonderful and I loved the cool mountain air, so I just went for it. Walking around outside at 5pm became a part of my new daily routine.

After the evening group sit was over that night I excitedly approached the teacher in the meditation hall and said, “I think that I have finally gotten the hang of Anapana meditation! It’s like a car that is driving down the road and my body’s automatic breathing process is in the driver’s seat and my conscious awareness is sitting in the back seat.” He then replied, “that is a good analogy and it is good if that helps you. But remember that at some point that analogy will go away and that you will again have to bring your attention back to your breathing.”

The fourth day I spent the first half waiting with much anticipation for the initial Vipassana instructions to be given. With every Vipassana course that I have ever been a part of, either as a student or as a server, I have been somehow personally moved by the Vipassana instructions given on Day 4. This particular day also happened to be the one-year anniversary of my father’s death, so I anticipated this one to be a particularly moving experience for me in some way. The time eventually came, I followed the instructions the best I could, but I felt nonplussed. The instructions then ended with Goenka closing it all with saying “Be Happy”, and then it hit me like a punch in the gut. The students slowly filed out of the meditation hall and I remained there, feeling wave after wave of emotion wash over me. I eventually left the meditation hall and went for a walk outside. I felt surprisingly peaceful.

I could not get much sleep on the night of day four / morning of day five and as a result of this I spent day five in a grumpy, impatient and irritable mood. I had difficult focusing that day, my meditation practice sucked, and at one point I inadvertently slammed the table in the dining room that I sat at while some of the other students were still eating there. I felt guilty for doing that, while also feeling pissed at the situation, and pissed at the whole world too for that matter.

Day six I started noticing a bad smell in the meditation hall, which was beginning to be distracting to me. I asked the male student manager about it, and he said that there was a problem with the drainage system in the new kitchen. He said that one of the center managers was working on addressing it. I was relieved to know that that smell did not exist only in my mind and that it was a real-life thing that other people also noticed.

On day seven there was one of the most spectacular sunsets that I have ever seen. This happened at around 5pm and I was lucky to have been able to watch it all while standing on the side of a mountain. I was moved to tears by this sunset, which I suppose now makes me the kind of guy who cries at sunsets. This sunset was shortly followed by a moonrise on the other side of the sky. I was beaming with joy at having witnessed all of this.

I decided to have another private conversation with the Vipassana teacher on day eight. I talked with him about my problems with anxiety and he told me: “This anxiety that you have, THIS is your meditation.” I then gave the smartass reply, “What, an anxiety meditation? Is there a term for that in the Pali language?” He smiled and then explained that when I am feeling my anxiety to just stop and feel the sensations in my body that correspond with that. He said to notice where in my body that anxiety shows up most as distinct sensations, and to also notice the other sensations that I am feeling as well that do not relate to that anxiety. To just feel it all, notice it all, without any need to label or judge these sensations or to try to change any of it. In other words, to practice Vipassana meditation, but with a special anxiety theme to it. I left feeling energized by this talk, I somehow loved the thought that this anxiety that I have is MY meditation.

The morning of day nine one of the male students came into the meditation hall during the early morning group meditation and asked to speak with the teacher. The two of them went into the private meeting room, and the student then eventually left that room smiling and gave the thumbs-up sign. Later on during the morning group sit I heard the sounds of a car pulling up outside, doors open and shut, and eventually the sound of the car driving away. I later on asked the male student manager if that particular student had left the course, and he said that he did. I was really bummed out by that, since I felt like I had really connected with this guy on Day 0 and I was looking forward to talking with him again on Day 10 once Noble Silence was over.

Day ten then finally arrived and Noble Silence was over. I then talked with many different people that day, I had no rest breaks, and by the end of the day I was totally exhausted. The evening of that day I told another student that I still did not know who won the presidential election and he asked me if I wanted to know. I said “Yes” and he said “Trump”. That news hit me. He then went on to tell me about how the results of the election in some sense are pretty meaningless to him because of the Israel / Palestine war. He said that he has friends and former coworkers in Palestine who are in danger or possibly dead because of what Israel is doing there and that he can’t exactly bring himself to be a Kamala Harris supporter because of that. I then remembered something that I saw once on Facebook: “The entire US system must be dismantled if burning children alive in a hospital is the lesser evil”.

Day eleven came about the next morning, the closing formalities of the course occurred and I then volunteered to wash a bunch of dishes in the kitchen. Liz and I then went to soak in the nearby natural hot springs and we ran into a few of the students who had just sat the course there. I was surprised to see that one of the guys whom I really connected with was there and we noticed that both of us have anarchist tattoos on our chests. Upon returning to the Vipassana center after that and hanging out there some, Liz and I decided to finally leave the center to avoid an oncoming snowstorm. I later discovered that driving the car on the highway again while listening to news stories on the radio turned out to be too much for me. I then had another panic attack occur. Liz took over driving the car while I closed my eyes and practiced Vipassana in the passenger seat til we arrived at a hotel to stay at for the night.

The day after that was also quite challenging for me emotionally. I suppose that this is a “re-integration” problem resulting from my having been at the Vipassana center for 25 days, which is the longest that I have ever been at any Vipassana center. Being in a beautiful peaceful environment for an extended period of time, practicing meditation regularly every day and being around lots of different people who share similar values that I have for self-improvement, compassion for all, and liberation from suffering lead to me to be very much out-of-sync with what was going on for the rest of the world. I was reconciling myself to the new reality that now outside that little Vipassana bubble, Donald Trump was now again elected president of the U.S., this time winning both the electoral vote as well as the popular vote, in addition to winning the House as well as the Senate. I was also reconciling myself to the news from the wars in Palestine, Lebanon and Ukraine with what I had just experienced in that little haven of peace and reflection nestled away in the Rocky Mountains. It was all a bit much for me, and I felt at times paralyzed by these stark contrasts.

So that’s a lot of stuff, what did I learn from all of this, how did it change me, and most importantly, was my problem with anxiety fixed? My answer is “I don’t know and no”. Perhaps unfortunately, no climactic moment of profound revelation and/or transformation occured for me at this course. I do have a few thoughts though, perhaps more than a few. My biggest takeaway is from my meeting with the Vipassana teacher on day eight: anxiety is my meditation. When I feel it, when I experience panic attacks, when I notice it controlling my life, my job is to just notice it and be with it. Basically, feeling anxiety is a sign that I need to meditate. Anxiety can strike anytime anywhere, and likewise anytime anywhere can be a place for me to meditate. I have noticed a remarkable effects on my anxiety when I meditate, it does reduce quite a bit, sometimes it even goes away. However, it is all impermanent, since it does come back again later on. Everything is impermanent, both anxiety and the lack thereof.

The big prescription of what I am to do next is that I should establish a practice of Vipassana meditation of sitting for one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening every day. This is a message that I received from the recordings of Goenka during the course, from my teacher of the course, and from my fellow students and servers. I have already failed at this task since leaving the center. However, I do intend on establishing this routine in the future. The way I look at it, I have already experienced plenty of Vipassana meditation courses now, both as a student and as a server, and that my next big scary difficult Vipassana meditation experience is to have a daily practice of one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. In a way, this prospect intimidates me more than doing another course does. It involves a reorganizing of my daily life and a rearranging of my life’s priorities. It is much easier for me to go to some exotic new place, have a wild and crazy adventure, and then go back home and write about it.

As far as the new world that I have found myself in, well, that is another difficult thing for me to come to terms with as well. I remember when I was informed of who won the presidential election on Day Ten of this course, one of the things that I said after that was “these Vipassana courses emphasize is the concept of “anicca”, impermanence. All things are impermanent. What this election results points to is the impermanence of the USA. It’s all going away.” Relatedly, the song The Day The World Went Away by Nine Inch Nails has been playing in my head a lot since I heard the news from this election.

I would add that this concept of anicca applies on all levels, across the board. The loved ones in my life are impermanent, as evidenced by the death of my father. My own youth is impermanent, as shown by the birthday that I had while at the Vipassana center. These Vipassana courses are impermanent, as shown by the fact that this course is now over, despite the fact that at times it felt like it was going on forever. All things are impermanent, that’s one of the difficult lessons to learn that keeps on coming up, again and again.

I do feel as if I have now entered a new era of U.S. history, as well as an another period of my life. For one, I notice that my interest in following politics has diminished. I used to have a great desire to consume lots of political news, analysis and commentary, across all media. I now notice that that simply does not interest me as much. I just don’t see the point in it any longer. Instead of this, it seems much more important for me to focus on my own mental health and emotional state, the ways that I can better support and contribute to the relationships that are important to me and the projects that I am committed to. Politics now seems to me to be on par with all of the audio/visual entertainment that I have so voraciously consumed these past few years: a distraction from what’s real and what’s important in my life.

A phrase came to my mind while meditating once, “start where you’re at and work with what you’ve got”. I originally thought of that as being a principle to work with when trying to practice Vipassana meditation, but I now feel like that has much more significance. Yatha bhuta, as it is.