Thursday, November 8, 2007

Drama As Addiction

I find myself drawn to drama. Everybody around me seems to be that way as well. Acting out scripted roles, full of emotion, entertainment for a higher realm. The world is going to war over this, as the scenes unfold.

For me, I seem to seek it out, in a way. It's like I'm drawn to it, and in so doing, it is drawn to me. It is a common topic of conversation for me, it occupies a lot of my thoughts and worries, it seems to be a common way for me to live my life.

Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Can you believe it?! How could he do that?! What will happen next?! Oh no!

That's the template - just plaster it everywhere. It passes the time and it gives a quick-fix of artificial meaning. But more importantly, it fucks you up. It gets you high. Strategy then becomes "need", and it is an addiction.

There are lots of addictions. I have lots of addictions. Everybody has lots of addictions. You can't walk five feet without somehow stumbling on somebody's addiction. Same goes with drama - also an addiction. Why addiction?

Let's take sugar, for example, as a point of comparison or analysis. I am addicted to sugar. I crave that shit, I eat/drink it every day. It fucks me up. I've grown used to it though, I've had it regularly since I was a child. But I see the effects - on my body, my teeth, my face, my moods, my energy - I see how all of that is affected by it. But still I go for it, and often I don't even see myself going for it.

Sleep-walking to my doom.

And I think that the same goes with drama.

Oh, the injustice of it all! The unfairness! How could they! How scary! How nerve-wracking! What to do next?! Fuck you!!!

Around and around it goes, until eventually somebody gets hurt. Or I get hurt. Or I notice that I have been spending the last 29 years of my life watching the television of my own thoughts, and they scare me. And so I don't go outside, and my muscles grow weak.

So, what am I doing?

I don't want to blame "it". ("It" being the world, institutions of oppression, my parents, you) Because I realize that "it" is really a series of choices that I am making. I am choosing my own prison, I am choosing to ride the roller coaster of drama, and I am choosing to eat shit.

And I can choose differently.

And so can you.