Thursday, November 8, 2007

Drama As Addiction

I find myself drawn to drama. Everybody around me seems to be that way as well. Acting out scripted roles, full of emotion, entertainment for a higher realm. The world is going to war over this, as the scenes unfold.

For me, I seem to seek it out, in a way. It's like I'm drawn to it, and in so doing, it is drawn to me. It is a common topic of conversation for me, it occupies a lot of my thoughts and worries, it seems to be a common way for me to live my life.

Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Can you believe it?! How could he do that?! What will happen next?! Oh no!

That's the template - just plaster it everywhere. It passes the time and it gives a quick-fix of artificial meaning. But more importantly, it fucks you up. It gets you high. Strategy then becomes "need", and it is an addiction.

There are lots of addictions. I have lots of addictions. Everybody has lots of addictions. You can't walk five feet without somehow stumbling on somebody's addiction. Same goes with drama - also an addiction. Why addiction?

Let's take sugar, for example, as a point of comparison or analysis. I am addicted to sugar. I crave that shit, I eat/drink it every day. It fucks me up. I've grown used to it though, I've had it regularly since I was a child. But I see the effects - on my body, my teeth, my face, my moods, my energy - I see how all of that is affected by it. But still I go for it, and often I don't even see myself going for it.

Sleep-walking to my doom.

And I think that the same goes with drama.

Oh, the injustice of it all! The unfairness! How could they! How scary! How nerve-wracking! What to do next?! Fuck you!!!

Around and around it goes, until eventually somebody gets hurt. Or I get hurt. Or I notice that I have been spending the last 29 years of my life watching the television of my own thoughts, and they scare me. And so I don't go outside, and my muscles grow weak.

So, what am I doing?

I don't want to blame "it". ("It" being the world, institutions of oppression, my parents, you) Because I realize that "it" is really a series of choices that I am making. I am choosing my own prison, I am choosing to ride the roller coaster of drama, and I am choosing to eat shit.

And I can choose differently.

And so can you.


toma said...

Can i say i agree with what you say without participating in some dangerously limiting drama?

I agree, though. It is a function of the brain, and it goes even beyond the manner that a simple concept like 'addiction' implies i think - the old saw with addiction is that you can overcome it through 'willpower' but i think this is not helpful, it is a false narrative that tries to steal your attention and enslave you to it's own ends - it is not something that feels like it can be overcome. No matter what mountain I climb I still face a world of illusions coming from what i must assume is my mind, or somebody else's. It is part of how we operate, like breathing, and we must find some way of balancing it all - the most basic needs, to the most seemingly useless.

After all, you still must make a 'choice' on where to spend your 'energy' or some such.

Good entry btw.

zeraph said...

I think of how much more vulnerable and scary it would be to think about the real problems of New Orleans instead of the created internal problems of the organization that's supposed to be helping. It is, in some ways, an anesthetic.

Anonymous said...

i've always tried to steer clear from drama but it follows me everywhere i go.

the more friends & acquaintances i make, the more enemies i will have. but it is like that with most everyone i think.

Anonymous said...

also, when i was there c.g. was a mini-city, tons of strangers living together, no trust , little affinity, decisions made by elites.

thus, the problems of c.g. mirror those of nola and any other city-the problems of hierarchy and mass society.